The Power of (a Child's) Observation

So often in Montessori we talk about the value of observation as it pertains to adults observing children. While it is important to take a step back and observe our children as they work, it is equally valuable for our children to observe us, and each other. Children, from the time they are born, are skilled observers. How incredible is it that babies learn simply by being and observing? They typically do not need to be taught to talk and play and walk - they simply watch and learn. With three children, I’ve had an abundance of opportunities to observe how they observe…

Many children are observers when they are somewhere new, and that is especially true for D and S. It hasn’t always been easy for me to watch them not jump in and try new things or “join the fun”. I have to remind myself that while many children learn best by doing, some children learn best by first observing. Our job is to provide opportunities and a safe base from which to explore, and their job is to trust themselves to decide when to dive in, or not.

S (3) is in his first year of primary and has spent the majority of his first month observing. He stays close to his teacher and watches her give lessons and the children work. Even so, there has been no shortage in learning. I can see how much he’s absorbed through observation when he comes home and gets to work here. He goes to our playroom and unrolls and rolls rugs on repeat. He traces letters and makes different letter sounds. He sings the songs he’s learned on repeat. He meticulously chops carrot sticks from his lunch box “the way my teacher does it”. Observation is education.

D started primary in the exact same way. Now in her third (kinder) year of primary, she simply dove into work on day one. It is beautiful to see her growth each year in the same classroom. This doesn’t mean she has stopped observing. As most children do, she observes before and as she works. I see this observation play out through her pretend play at home. We come home from school and she immediately dives into playing school with her stuffed animals, acting out whatever she observed that day. Observation leads to deep pretend play as a way to process the day’s events.

Birth order plays a role too. While D, as the oldest, mostly learned by observing adults as a baby, S and J learn so much by observing each other. I remember when S was a young toddler and I introduced the kitchen knife, I didn’t even need to give him a lesson. He picked it up, held it correctly, and began chopping just as he’d seen D do many times before. J, observing his older siblings sing in the car at the top of their lungs, has already learned how to coo loudly along with them. He’s also quite eager to crawl right after them as they play, seeing just what opportunities movement can offer him. Observation is a key piece of multi-age environments.

Children’s sharp observation skills can also serve as a reminder of the importance of modeling. If we would like our child to hang up their coat, we have to do so ourselves first. Simply asking or saying the words isn’t enough. When we model something over and over, they pick up on it simply by observing that action again and again. The other weekend my husband decided to build the kids a mud pit so they’d focus their digging in a designated spot. When he asked if they wanted to help, they initially said no, but once they observed him out there with his tools, they were eager to join in. Observation is often more powerful than listening.

Observation is important for us all. It can be tempting to jump right in and fix something for our child just as it can be hard to watch them sit on the sidelines. But I have learned time and time again that pushing to “do” doesn’t get anyone anywhere. Many people, both children and adults, need the space and time to take in their surroundings by watching and listening first.

Observation isn’t what comes before the work - it is the work.

Our Favorite Newborn Baby Products (Updated 2022)

Though I usually cover Montessori topics only, I also get lots of questions about favorite baby products beyond Montessori materials. Here is a roundup of my favorite products for the early days with a baby. By no means would I call these “essentials”, but they have been very useful with each of our babies and I am looking forward to bringing them back out for this next baby due in May!

K’tan carrier - This was my most used item with both D and S in the first few months. I find this carrier really easy to use and wear, and love the various wearing options it provides for your baby’s different stages. I put S in this carrier when we are out and about, and at home when I need two hands and he doesn’t want to rest in his bassinet or on the floor. He is content being close to me, and I love the snuggles!

Ergo carrier - Though I primarily use the K’tan in the newborn phase, this is our favorite carrier for hiking or longer walks. It fits both my husband and I well. It’s extremely comfortable and distributes the weight evenly across your body. We used it from birth with the newborn insert, and it got even more use in later infancy and toddlerhood.

Halo Bassinet - I found with both babies nursing through the night, it was easiest to have them sleep right next to our bed in a bedside bassinet. I liked that they could sleep right next to me, but without fear of pillows/rolling into me. The halo is great because of it’s see-through mesh sides and adjustable height. I kept each child in a bassinet in our room until they transitioned to floor beds in their own rooms around 6 months.

Ollie swaddle - We tried so many swaddles with D, but used this one from the start with S and it’s by far my favorite. It’s worth the cost because unlike others, one size fits all. It is super easy to put on, and it doesn’t ride up over their mouth. You can also secure it under their armpits so they can have free arms and hands too, while still feeling snug and swaddled. While newborns do not need to be swaddled, both D and S slept so much better at night when swaddled those first few weeks.

Topponcino - This is another item we used multiple times a day with each baby, to rest on and gaze at their mobiles from. When they lie on his back here, they are completely unrestricted in their movements. They are also free to stretch their arms and legs, suck on their fingers, and turn their head side to side. The topponcino also provided a safe way for D to hold S in her lap. S also took some short naps here!

Mobiles - Mobiles are the first Montessori material we introduce and were enjoyed by both our babies from 2 weeks on. These mobiles encourage visual tracking and focus without overstimulation. These mobiles are purely visual, but once our babies were reaching out, we attached ribbons, bells, and other tactile mobiles to this wooden play gym.

Boppy - This definitely makes nursing more comfortable, and my posture is better when using it. Though I’ll be honest, I use it much less with S because I was often nursing him on the go with a toddler running around! When supervised, I occasionally used the Boppy for an extra cushion when they were alert but fussy on their back, or for assisted tummy time. The black and white high contrast cards pictured are another favorite, as infants’ color vision is still developing.

UppaBaby stroller - This was one of our most appreciated gifts when S was born. There are so many customizations to this stroller, but our favorite was the toddler (rumble) seat with bassinet below. You can also easily pop in our UppaBaby carseat. It is perfect for outings and walks to the park and in the city, when the diaper bag is full and I need a break from wearing baby. This time around, with bigger kids, we are trying the Thule double stroller which also comes with a bassinet option.

Hatch sound machine/nightlight - We used these from infancy on with both kids. It functions as both a noise machine and a nightlight, as well as a time-to-rise toddler clock. You can adjust brightness, sound type, volume, and color from your phone, which has proved useful on many occasions!

Travel sound machine - We used this portable sound machine when we were on the go and it really helped with sleep when your baby (like ours) sleeps best with white noise. It can also play lullaby music.

Como Tomo bottles - With both babies, it was nice to have the freedom to pump and give a bottle from time to time (and for my husband to be able to feed him). These are by far my favorite bottle for new babies, as they mimic a breast in shape and feel. Both D and S preferred these bottles to any others.

Aden & Anais burpy bibs - You can never have too many burp cloths, and these are some the best. Not only are they super soft and come in fun patterns, but they can later be used as a wrap-around bib when baby starts solids! I also love Aden & Anais swaddle blankets.

Magnetic Me Footies - In terms of clothing, these are hands-down the best for quick changes. I especially love them for nighttime diaper changes. No snaps, no zippers, just magnets. Such a great invention!

Kickee Footies - These are my favorite comfy PJs - made from bamboo and oh-so-soft. The kids wore Kickee pajamas all through infancy and toddlerhood. They are nice and thin for summertime too, and come in really fun patterns and colors! They are available with footies or without, and with zippers or snaps.

Newborn Gowns - Lastly, these are my third favorite option for nighttime. Gowns make diaper changes a breeze! The brand Monica and Andy also make super-soft gowns, like the scooter one S is wearing below.

Note: This post contains affiliate links. If you purchase a product through one of these links, you won’t pay anything extra, but I will get a small commission, which helps keep this blog going. Thanks for supporting Montessori in Real Life!

"Extra" Activities vs. Free Play

Do I sign my toddler up for that gymnastics class or just let them jump off cushions at home? Is my child going to be behind if I don’t sign them up for a music class? What if I benefit from these classes as much as my child? Does this activity align with Montessori? These are the types of questions that I often hear from parents of young childen and questions I’ve even asked myself.

Let’s first talk about how organized activities might fit in with Montessori. This isn’t a simple answer. Some Montessori families are involved in a variety of extra activities/sports/classes and some families none. It’s a personal choice, but one that should be the child’s as much as the adult’s. And by no means are any organized activities necessary for young children. I’ll share how we think about it in our family.

If you’ve been here a while, you won’t be surprised to hear that we try to find a balance of planned activities and free time, leaning more heavily on the free. I want my children to have plenty of time and space to independently explore and discover. This, however, doesn’t rule out other activities. This spring, the kids are each signed up for one weekly class. We offered a few options for them to choose from that fit with our schedule and weren’t a huge time commitment. D chose dance (continuing from fall and winter) and S chose soccer. In addition, we take the kids to the pool once a week and S to an gymnastics open playtime when D is still in school. Beyond that, their free time is spent playing, often independently and with each other. That might be at home, in our backyard, with friends, or at local parks and playgrounds. 

Different families will make different choices that fit their needs and schedules. I can see clear benefits to both organized activities and free play that are worth laying out for those who are trying to decide what feels “worth it”. I’d also like to add that although babies and toddlers can’t always choose to be involved in an activity, they can be really beneficial to parents who might otherwise not have social opportunities (oh hey, pandemic). It’s okay to consider yourself in these decisions!

Organized Activities 

• Learning or building on a new skill 

• Following directions from a new adult

• Stepping out of comfort zone 

• Expending energy

• A special weekly outing 

• Time with new peers

• Opportunity to meet other parents

Free Play

• Doesn’t cost anything

• Endless room for creativity

• Open exploration and discovery

• Free movement 

• Opportunity to grow in independence

• Time with family or friends

• No time constraints

Although our family prioritizes free play above all else right now, I recognize that the kids may choose to be involved in more organized activities when they are in elementary school and beyond. As with all things parenting, priorities and interests shift with time, and different circumstances necessitate different choices!

A Jigsaw Puzzle Progression

What comes after knob and peg puzzles? One next step is jigsaw puzzles! I generally see interest for simple 2-piece jigsaw puzzles around age two. While some toddlers take off and are ready for giant floor puzzles within months, others stick with 2- and 3-piece puzzles for some time. There isn’t one right timeline, but there is a typical progression. I’ll share that progression as well as some of our favorites in each category.

2-3 piece puzzles

My favorite 2- and 3-piece puzzles are by Learning Journey. There are several versions of these 2-piece puzzles and these 3-piece realistic animal puzzles have been S’ favorite for a while now.

4-6 piece puzzles

My favorite beginner 4-piece jigsaw puzzles are these Melissa & Doug wooden ones with the border for each puzzle. I do wish all four weren’t on one board, but you can still start out by only putting out one puzzle (4 pieces) at a time, and then adding more as your child is ready for more of a challenge.

Note that there are lots of cute 4/5/6-piece puzzle sets such as this farm animal one, which are cute but often a bit trickier as they aren’t consistent sizes and it’s not clear where the pieces connect. A better option for toddlers is this set by Eric Carle, where each puzzle (of varying pieces) forms a rectangle.

12-16 piece puzzles

Transitioning to this many pieces is usually a pretty big jump for toddlers, as they go from being able to clearly see how 3-4 pieces fit together, to having to do a lot of trial and error with a dozen or more pieces.

There are a variety of 12-piece puzzles, including the beautiful ones pictured by artist Jo Collier (gifted to us by Playroom Collective). Others include simple jigsaw puzzles by Mudpuppy (I love the ziplock it comes with!) or these 15-piece ones by Puzzle Huddle. Melissa and Doug make some fun 12-piece wooden puzzles as well.

24-36 piece puzzles

Once your child gets to this stage, there are endless options for jigsaw puzzles! D first got interested in puzzles with more pieces through any type of jumbo floor puzzle. From there, some of our favorite jigsaw puzzle shops have included: Puzzle Huddle, Crocodile Creek, and Mudpuppy.

Note that your toddler will likely still enjoy wooden peg puzzles even after being introduced to beginning jigsaw puzzles, and your preschooelr who is able to do 48-piece puzzles might still enjoy simpler ones. We can offer both! Meeting our child where they are at with puzzles will not only boost their self confidence but also their frustration tolerance, concentration, and problem solving skills!

Note: This post contains affiliate links. If you purchase a product through one of these links, you won’t pay anything extra, but I will get a small commission, which helps keep this blog going. Thanks for supporting Montessori in Real Life!

7 Tips to Get Out the Door on Time

It’s back-to-school week here! With the excitement and the nerves also comes the anticipation of rushed and sometimes stressful mornings. My goal for this school year is to make it to school on time without rushing. It makes such a difference when we start the day off slowly and follow a routine. I know that this will require a lot of preparation (and self-discipline on my part!) Whether you’re trying to get out the door for school or any other activity, I am confident these tips will help your morning flow more smoothly.

Practice - Reflect back on recent stressful mornings…which parts were the most challenging? If a child is frustrated by not being able to put on their own shoes, can we help them master this skill more indendently? Making time in the slower afternoon or weekend to practice skills such as this can make the more hurried times less tense.

Prep Ahead - Certain choices and tasks can be done ahead of time to minimize the morning to-do list. For example, we can let children choose their outfit the night before. I also like to make packing snack boxes/lunches easier by chopping fruits and veggies and making sure the pantry is stocked on Sunday.

Organize Entryway - Although admittedly challenging to maintain, an organized entryway is a game changer for efficiently getting out the door. When everything we need for the morning is already at the front door, we eliminate the need to run around and zoom in and out the door before leaving. In our house, this means having low hooks for the kids’ backpacks and coats, a basket for socks and hats, and a low shelf for shoes. This also makes it easier for them to put everything away as soon as we get home.

Allow for Autonomy - Independence looks different at different ages, but even the youngest of toddlers want a sense of control. The more control they feel, the less meltdowns occur. This means giving them opportnities to get themselves ready. It also means offering choices. Can we let them serve their own cereal or make their own toast? Can they help pack their lunch box or backpack? Can they choose between the two pairs of shoes by the front door?

Routine Chart - Young children crave predictability and routine. It gives them comfort to know what comes next and confidence to be able to initiate that next step. Routine charts are a great way to establish a new routine. We have made a number of routine charts, cards, and checklists over the years, both with our own photos and these printables from The Creative Sprout. We typically reference these for the first few weeks of a new routine, and then bring them back out as needed throughout the year.

Set the Timer - Sometimes it’s simply the transition from morning play or breakfast to getting ready to go that’s the challenge. Our favorite tool for transitions are to set a song or a timer to indicate when it’s time to end one activity and start another. The kids know that when the song or timer ends/beeps, it’s transition time. Playing or singing the same song during a morning routine can be a really gentle but effective way to move things along.

10-minute Buffer - One trick I always count on is to prepare to be early. When we plan to be somewhere 10 minutes early, we are usually on time. That 10 minute buffer allows for the unpredictable and often inevitable slow down to occur! And occasionally, we’re actually early.

What are your favorite tricks to getting out the door smoothly?

Our Favorite Cooperative Board Games

We love cooperative board games in our house! Board games in general have been a great way to spend 1:1 time with D and also fun to play as a whole family on the weekends. Cooperative games in particular offer a great alternative to traditional early board games like shoots and ladders or candy land.

Cooperative board games shift the focus from competition between players to working together against the board. Working together as a team helps the kids practice their communication and planning skills, as well as patience in taking turns. This plays out in the real world too. These games even impact the types of imaginative games D comes up with when playing with S or her friends. 

I also find these games to be more enjoyable to play with the kids. They never end with “I win!” Or “I wanted to win!” Instead, we celebrate together, or simply try again! 

First Orchard

This is a great first cooperative board game, best for toddlers ages 2 and up. The goal of this game is to fill the basket with colored apples before the raven reaches the orchard. The rules are simple: roll the die and if you land on a color, move the corresponding color apple to the basket. If you roll the raven, move the raven one step towards the orchard. This game helps with color recognition, sorting, and learning how to take turns. I also appreciate that in this game designed for toddlers, the pieces are large and wooden rather than small and cardboard.  

Friends and Neighbors

This game says 3 and up but I’d say it’s best for ages 2 to 4. It has a sweet premise: to find the object that will help a friend or neighbor feel better. This ends up being mostly a matching game. The object of the game is to help all the friends before the stop sign fills up. Before the game starts, pick one board to fill together. Then take turns picking tokens out of the bag to see if the object on it helps someone on your shared board. If it does, you place it on your board; if not, you place it on the stop sign. It’s a simple game but starts some good conversations about community, helping, and emotions. 

Hoot Owl Hoot!

We don’t own this game but have heard wonderful things! This game is playable around age 3. This color-matching game doesn’t involve any reading, so it’s easy for even younger players to join in with a bit of assistance. In this game, the owls have ventured out during the night and want to fly home before sunrise. Take turns drawing cards and move an owl of your choice to the corresponding color on the board. When you draw a sunlight card instead of a color card, daylight draws a bit nearer. Everyone works together to move all of the owls home before daybreak. 

Snug as a Bug

This game has three levels of play, making it great for 3 to 5 year olds. The object of this game is to help all the little bugs under the rug before the three stink bugs “stink up the place”. Each bug has four attributes: a specific color, shape, number, and size of eyes. In the basic version, you choose one attribute to look for, e.g. shapes and in more challenging versions, you roll a die to pick a new attribute each turn. Then spin the spinner and take turns finding bugs that match the specific color/number/shape/size you landed on. If there aren’t any bugs that match, a stink bug appears. It’s a silly but fun game that incorporates a lot of key concepts for preschoolers! 

Their “Stink Bug” Faces :)

Stone Soup

This game says 5 and up but I would say it can be enjoyed by 4-year-olds too. It is essentially a game of memory but the added twists actually make it quite fun. The goal of the game is to fill the hot cauldron with ingredients before the fire goes out. To start, all the pieces go face down on the board (this includes pairs of ingredients, a magic stone, and fire cards). Take turns picking up two cards, looking for matches, and you can help each other in the process! When you find a match, you add it to the “soup”. If you pick up a fire card, you add it to the fire. It’s a race to find all the ingredient pairs before the last fire card! 

Baby Dinosaur Rescue 

This is another game that has different versions/levels so that it can be enjoyed at different ages, though I’d say 4 is a good starting age. The object of this game is to get all the baby dinosaurs to the island before the lava reaches them. This game involves both playing cards and the board. Each time you take a turn and play a card, you either move one of the baby dinosaur tokens forward on the path toward the island or get the lava closer to the valley. This game involves some strategy, as you figure out which baby dinosaur to move along the board and when to play certain cards from your hand. This is when collaborative games really shine, as you can help each other make decisions rather than competing alone! 

Outfoxed

This is the most advanced game of the bunch, but a 4-year-old can play and enjoy this with their grown-ups. In this game, a sneaky fox has stolen a pot pie and it’s up to you to work solving clues to solve the mystery of who is guilty This game involves a lot of pieces including a board, cards, dice, tokens, and figurines. Each round reveals a clue as to which of the foxes stole the pie based on what they are wearing or holding. There are fun surprises along the way and children love playing detective! I like that there isn’t anything scary about this “whodonit” game while still being a fun mystery to solve. 

These are the cooperative board games we have enjoyed in our family so far! I know there are many others, and I look forward to playing even more as our kids get older! What are your favorite board games to play with your kids right now?

Note: This post contains affiliate links. If you purchase a product through one of these links, you won’t pay anything extra, but I will get a small commission, which helps keep this blog going. Thanks for supporting Montessori in Real Life!

Hiking with Little Kids

One of my favorite memories from childhood is hiking. Though I know I didn’t enjoy every second of our hiking and camping adventures as a kid, I only remember the fun stuff: playing “hug a tree” with my sisters and finding the best hiking sticks with my dad.

Now that both the kids are good walkers, my goal this summer is to do at least one hike a week together. It can be intimidating to head out on a hike with kids at this age (especially when my husband isn’t able to join us), but I never regret it when we do. We are so lucky to live in the PNW where there are so many beautiful hikes just a short drive away.

S and D enjoy and benefit so much from these hikes. D is much more focused on the goal: getting to the destination (e.g. the beach or mountain top) than S is and she loves to check our field guides to identify plants and creatures along the way. They both love moving their body and pushing their physical limits. At the same time, they both make many stops along the way, to pick up tiny objects and notice small insects or flowers.

I also benefit from these hikes with them! Hiking is something I have enjoyed since before kids and I love getting to share it with the kids. It’s a form of self care for me too!

Hiking Tips

Let them take the lead! When we pick a kid-friendly hike and allow plenty of time, it’s more fun for us all. Children gain such confidence from getting to lead us on hikes rather than the other way around! While exploring new hikes is really fun, going back to old ones can be especially motivating for young children who feel more confident and capable there.

Take lots of breaks. Bring more water and snacks than you think you’ll need. I try to plan for one snack per hour plus a packed lunch for our destination. Breaks happen far more often than 1x per hour though. When we allow for lots of stops, we get to notice all the small things our children notice, such as hidden bugs, forts, or “bridges” or the sounds of birds in the trees above.

Bring a kid carrier. While S likes to walk as far as he can, he still needs breaks or even a short nap in the Deuter carrier. We used this for D up to age 3, but now, at almost 4, D is hiking the whole way on our 3-4 mile hikes. 

Have a destination in mind. The hikes don’t have to be “epic” for them to be enjoyable and rewarding. Toddlers find excitement in stumps, dirt, and hidden bugs. But it can be especially motivating for preschoolers to have a destination to hike to: a river to wade in, a beach, a great view, a waterfall or a field of wildflowers. This makes all the effort feel worthwhile and offers a new sensory and visual experience for the kids too. 

Quit while you’re ahead. Aka when your child is still happy! If you’re new to hiking, start small and flat. Build up from there as they become more accustomed to hiking. It’s okay to have a picnic lunch before the destination and decide to simply turn around!

What we Pack

This is crucial! I’ve learned the hard way. I have a google doc for packing lists, including half day hiking trips. Your packing list will vary depending on where you live and what kind of hike you are taking. Below you’ll find a few of our kid essentials for hiking. In addition to snacks, lunch, and water for the kids, don’t forget your own food and supplies too!

It's okay for our toddlers to say "no"

Right around the age of two, “no” becomes a favorite word. “Are you ready to put on your shoes now?” “No.” “Would you like me to help you?” “No.” “It’s time to get in the car.” “No.” “Do you want to go on a super fun adventure that involves snacks and playing in water?!” “No!” Does this sound familiar? ;)

When toddlers say no, they are learning how to exert their will in a meaningful way for the first time. They are realizing they are their own unique person with their own thoughts and opinions. They are letting us know loud and clear that they are their own person with a strong will and personality.

When we think about the kind of human we want to raise, this is it! We want our children to hold boundaries, to stand up for themselves, and to be strong and independent. Why does this feel so hard at age two?

It’s all about balance. We want to give our toddlers plenty of opportunities to exert their will, to feel independent and capable, and to set their personal boundaries. We also want to set clear and loving limits that they are able to follow. How do we do this?

Make Transitions Fun

Transitions are often the time we hear the most “no’s” from our toddlers. This is understandable: we are asking them to stop one fun activity and quickly make the switch to something else, often less exciting. One way to prevent our toddlers from saying “no” is to make transitions smoother and more fun in the first place.

Following a daily rhythm and knowing each step of their routines can give them comfort in knowing what comes next and feeling comfortable with the daily transitions. Being playful can lighten up the mood and slow us down in transitions. Examples of playful transitions: “Let’s hop like bunnies to the car!” or “Time to find your shoes! Where are they hiding?”

Offer Age-Appropriate Choices

Choices are another way to help our day flow more smoothly and to give our toddlers a sense of autonomy and confidence. There are lots of choices we can offer our toddlers throughout the day. Choices are appropriate for toddlers when both answers are viable options. Examples of toddler choices might include:

• “Would you like blueberries or bananas with your oatmeal this morning?”

• “Which shoes would you like to wear, red or blue?”

• “Do you want to walk or ride your bike?”

• “Would you like a hug or a high five?”

While choices are incredibly powerful for toddlers, there are also times when choices aren’t appropriate. While it is kind to offer limited choices rather than boss our toddlers around, it isn’t kind to offer a choice when there really isn’t one.

Avoid giving options when there really isn’t a choice 

Pause before asking a question or offering a choice. Consider if you are really okay with either answer or the option you are about to give. For example, when you ask “Are you ready for bedtime?” is “no” really an acceptable option?

If there is only one appopriate response, do not pose it as a question, simply state what you want. Rather than ask, “Are you ready for bed?” you could state, “After this book, we are going to start bathtime.”  

You could also offer two choices that both result in starting bedtime. For example, “Would you like to brush teeth or put on pajamas first?”

When they still say “No”

There are plenty of times when toddlers still say “no” to the choices or statements we offer. These moments can feel so frustrating, especially when our toddlers say this on repeat.

When S responds with “no”, the first thing I ask myself is “Is this something that really must be done now?” and “Why?” Oftentimes I can give S a bit more time and with that extra time he is able to finish what he is doing, process what I said, and feels ready to follow my request. Other times he is saying “no” to joining in something that he just doesn’t feel comfortable doing, and it’s more than okay for him to set those boundaries and opt out.

If “no” really isn’t an option, I validate his feelings and help him to follow my directions. If he is tired, hungry, or having an off day, I will often acknowledge what he has said and repeat myself once before helping him. For example, if he doesn’t want to leave the park: “You don’t want to leave the playground and go home. It’s hard to leave. It’s time to go to the car.” I often then need to gently help his body: “I’m going to pick you up now and carry you to the car.” 

What we can control

While we can’t control how our toddler responds to us, we can control our response to them. When we acknowledge their wants and feelings, they feel seen. When we respect their boundaries, they feel safe. When we stay calm and confident, they feel secure with us. When we find a healthy balance of giving our toddlers autonomy and loving limits, we both feel better.

Playground Etiquette

As the weather warms and restrictions ease up, the playgrounds are filling back up with families. For many children, and parents, this might be challenging to navigate, particularly after a pandemic year. Challenges include following playground rules, social expectations, safety issues, and having to finally leave the park. How do we allow our children independence to explore while helping them navigate social and safety expectations? How do we help them build confidence, both in their body and social skills?

Establish Park Rules Early

Decide on your general playground rules ahead of time and discuss them with your child. This will vary by age, with simple but clear limits for toddlers and room for discussion and independent choices for preschoolers and up. Here are some examples of questions you might ask yourself:

• Are there any areas of the park or playground that are off-limits?

• Are you okay with your child going up or down the slide when another child is at the bottom?

• Does this rule change if the slide is busy and there is a line forming?

• Will you and your child wear masks? Shoes? Sunscreen?

Observing vs. Hovering

This will also depend on the age of your child. With infants, we can shadow them but let them take the lead in exploring and play. With toddlers, we can stay back but remain nearby to offer help or enforce rules as needed. With preschoolers, we can stay in a predictable and visible location and keep an ear out, while also enforcing rules as needed.

With each age group, we want to let them follow their own body’s limits, giving them a sense of confidence and capability. This means rather than placing them up on a high tower, letting them climb up however high they can on their own. In general, children can get down independently if they can get up independently. If we place them up high, they often feel stuck and rely on our help.

When there are other parents nearby, it can help to not all hover together around the children. This often leads to parents feeling pressured to intervene unnecessarily. Instead take a step back if there is already an adult close by or if you are interested, chat with the other parents! You can both step back and give your children some space to play while you talk with one another. The park is agreat place for parents and children to make friends and find community.

Social Conflicts

It is normal for small conflicts to arise between children at the playground. Often children have different ideas about how to use the playground equipment or want to use the same thing at the same time. There is no need to intervene in every instance. Often, even young toddlers can work out their issues without adult intervention. By preschool age, it’s important to give them a chance to problem solve, as this is the most effective way for children to develop their social problem-solving skills.

However, there are times when a child is getting hurt, physically or emotionally, and it’s appropriate to intervene and make sure everyone is feeling heard and safe. For example, if my toddler is blocking the slide, I would first point out that another child is waiting. If they still didnt move, I would gently move their body. If my preschooler is blocking the slide and I happen to be close to her I might say “It looks like someone is waiting for a turn, it’s time to hop down so that they can slide.” If I’m not nearby I would let it be (and hope that they communicate to each other). If they end up crashing into each other, I would still pause, but if it looks like someone is hurt or upset I would go over to give comfort and brainstorm solutions for next time with them. 

Often conflicts arise over sand (or other personal) toys. If there are a lot of children, I prefer not to bring sand toys that my children might feel “ownership” over or might get taken on accident. When we do bring sand toys in a smaller setting, we talk about how it’s okay to let other children use these sand toys in this shared space. I encourage turn taking but don’t force sharing or giving back (until it’s time for us to leave). It’s okay for rules and expectations to be a little more relaxed in a public setting.

If one of my children is upset by something another child did, I offer comfort to them and let them stay with me as long as they need. I don’t say anything to the other child or parent (that’s not my job); I just verbally acknowledge what happened. Once they have recovered, we often move on to a different activity.

Leaving the Park

The hardest part of a playground visit for my kids is often saying goodbye. It’s tough to leave a really fun place! It can help to give children a heads up a bit before it’s time to leave. As toddlers don’t understand the concept of time, we can let them know there is time for one more activity before we go and let them choose. If they don’t want to leave the slide specifically, we can let them know how many more turns will happen before going home (or they can choose the number!) When the time comes to leave, it can help to say “bye bye” to the playground/slide/etc.

With children who are preschool age, timers can work well. We can let them know we are setting the timer for 5 minutes and when it rings, we are going home. Sometimes giving them one more heads up before the timer goes off (e.g. 5 minutes and then 2 minutes) is helpful too. Lastly, we can talk about when we will come back to this playground again, so that saying goodbye is only temporary.

Sometimes, even with warnings, children are upset about leaving the playground. Although it’s tempting to just let them play longer, it’s important to stick to our limit. If we continue to budge on the time, our children will remember that and expect that limit to budge the next time too. When we are consistent about our limits, they trust our words more, and feel less desire to test.

If they are upset when it’s time to leave we can simply listen and acknowledge. “You really want to stay at the park. It has been such a fun afternoon at the playground. You are upset about leaving.” If you feel any embarassment in this public setting, know that every single parent has or will be in that exact place too. Let your child feel their feels and help their body if needed.

Transitioning from Naptime to Quiet Time

Many parents fear the day their child stops napping, and understandably so. Naps are a time of peace and quiet for parents and children alike. However, the end of naps doesn’t have to mean the end of rest. Rather, children can transition from nap time to quiet time.

D stopped napping quite early, around 2.5. She was getting a very long consolidated sleep at night (13 hours), so I knew she’d be okay sleep-wise but I also knew she needed some downtime to make it through the long day. As D was already often playing in her room instead of napping, it was a natural transition for us to simply call it “quiet time” instead of “nap time”. She turned this phrase into "home time" as she considers her bedroom her own little home. Since 2.5, she spends this time (1-1.5 hrs) in her room, with the door open, playing pretend with her dolls, animals, and tea set, and "reading" books. This is an important time for both of us to have quiet in the day, and come back together in the afternoon feeling refreshed.

Often the transition from a nap to quiet time isn’t so natural, but it’s still possible! If this is something you’d like to start but aren’t sure how, here are some tips for quiet time success: 

1. Enjoy a little one on one time first. Children need time together before they can feel ready to be apart. Spend a little time reading, playing, or enjoying a meal together, without any screens or distractions, prior to quiet time. 

2. Keep your routine consistent. Every transition is easier once it becomes part of your daily rhythm. Setting the expectation that quiet independent play will happen daily around the same time, will ensure a smoother change happens.   

3. Create a space that is special and cozy. Quiet time can happen in their bedroom or a shared space. Whichever you choose, make it a place they want to be. This might include a few favorite toys, books, comfy pillows, or even music or an audiobook. Make sure everything that they have with them is safe for them to use independently. 

4. Start small. This might mean 5-10 minutes to start. Explain how and where quiet time will happen and when you will be back. Make the first quiet time very short so they trust you and feel okay about it (if they are engrossed in play, quietly stand near their door and wait for them to look up. Let them know that they may join you when they feel ready but let them know there is no rush. Gradually add on 5 minutes at a time. How long quiet time lasts is really up to you and your child. 

5. Use visual cues. A helpful visual tool for children in quiet time is a time-to-rise light. When the light changes color, they know quiet time is over. We love our Hatch but there are others. Another option is a visual timer but this makes some children anxious, as they watch the clock slowly tick down.

It may take a bit of time to transition into this new routine, or it might be a seamless transition from nap time like it was for D. Either way, keeping your home quiet and choosing an activity for yourself that is calm and quiet will help create a restful atmosphere and give an opportunity for everyone to recharge each afternoon.

Finding a Caregiver you Trust

The process of finding a nanny or babysitter can be stressful and intimidating. Entrusting someone else to care for our children can bring up anxious feelings. Yet caregivers are necessary and helpful for many families. As someone who had great trepidation over leaving each of our children with date night babysitters for the first time, I hope this post can answer some of your questions and relieve some of your anxiety so you can go into this with courage and confidence! I will be channeling this courage too as we navigate finding a date night sitter for the first time since before the pandemic began.

How do I find a nanny or babysitter?

1. Ask friends and family

2. Local Facebook parents group

3. Nanny Websites or Agencies

What qualifications do I look for?

This depends on the ages and needs of your child(ren) and family. If you are looking for a mother’s helper a few days a week, a neighborhood high school student may be a great fit. Once they have spent time with your family and learned about your children, you may feel comfortable leaving your children in their care for a date night. Providing these opportunities to teenagers can even help to inspire our next generation of teachers and caregivers!

If you need full-time care or are looking to homeschool, you might prefer someone with a master’s in education or Montessori training. Each family’s needs are slightly different. It’s worth it to take the time to think about the ideal situation for your family before reaching out to find care.

Note: If you are posting on the internet or talking to a nanny agency, you can be a bit more specific about the way you parent. Mentioning Montessori and respectful parenting can help you to find a caregiver who matches your needs.

Must haves:

• Adult, infants, and child CPR/First Aid certification 

• Professional/Personal references (call them) 

• A background check (if you are hiring someone from the internet)

• Clean driving record (if they will be driving your children)

What questions do I ask them?

Ideally these questions are asked in person during an interview. I recommend inviting your potential nanny or babysitter over when your child(ren) are around so you can see how they interact with your child with you present. These are just a few sample questions. These will also depend on the type of care you are seeking.

“Why did you start nannying/babysitting?” 

I like to hear that they enjoy playing with my kids, helping them to learn and grow and that they enjoy being in a home setting because it helps my children to feel more comfortable. 

“What ages of children have you worked with?”

Though a nanny or babysitter could have years of experience, I like to know they have experience caring for children roughly the same age as mine. When I check references, I want to be sure to talk to a former employer of theirs who has/had children of similar ages if possible.

“What do you enjoy about working with children?” 

I like to look for an answer that shows me that this person cares about my children’s happiness and is not here just because they think babies are cute. 

“What is your preferred method for putting a child down for a nap?”

Most answers are okay, as I leave details about our own family’s routine. Having an answer to this question means that they have spent time learning and trying out different ways of helping kids to fall asleep. This shows me that they have taken the time to learn more and are observing children to learn what works well for them. 

“Are you comfortable preparing meals?”

It’s okay with me if they are not, but it will indicate how much I need to prepare food ahead of time.

“What do you enjoy doing in your free time?” 

I like to get a feel for this person’s personality and see if we have common interests. Getting to know them helps me to feel more comfortable when I leave my children in their care. 

“What is your favorite activity to do with children?”

Having an answer shows me that they have spent enough time with children to have a favorite activity. It also gives me a sense of what they might spend time doing with my children. Lastly, it lets me know that they understand what kinds of activities are age-appropriate for my children.

How do I prepare my toddler?

I find this transition works best when it’s a slow start. Whether it’s grandparents or a date night babysitter, I like to first spend time all together so that my children see me interacting with the caregiver. This lets my children know I trust that person and they can too. Then, I invite the caregiver to watch the children while I’m around but not invovled. Finally, I leave, but for a shorter time. Next, a longer time. This has allowed them to warm up in a gradual way.

Another important piece is preparing the kids the day of each event, so they know what is coming. I’ve found that children feel more comfortable when they know that I will be leaving a few hours before I actually go. So we talked about what would happen and then continued with our day as we usually would.

How do I actually say goodbye?

When the time arrives for me to actually depart, I let the kids know that I am getting ready to go but do not say any goodbye until I am about to walk out the door. I know from working in a toddler classroom that drawn out and unpredictable goodbyes are extremely hard for toddlers. Leaving without saying goodbye can also be scary and confusing for them. 

When I say goodbye, I give each child a quick hug and kiss goodbye and say "I love you so much. We will be back before bedtime." Being clear, confident, and calm as I say goodbye is so important. As is being honest about when I will return. Even though I might feel nervous, I know I have to exude confidence for the children to feel that too. There are typically some tears, but I trust any caregiver I leave them with to comfort them and help them through any hard feelings while we are gone. Often the tears end as soon as I am gone and everyone has a good time.

What is a Daily Rhythm?

What is a daily rhythm and what makes it different from a schedule? Schedules are often rigid, encompass each moment of the day and follow a clock. A daily rhythm on the other hand is fluid and leaves time for spontaneity, while still providing a general pattern to our days. Though the exact time at which things happen might change day to day, the general flow of events is quite similar, even season to season. For example, in summer, bedtime might be a bit later, but the events leading up to it remain the same. In the summer more free play will be spent outside, and walks might be quite a bit longer than in winter.

In a world so big, young children are often overwhelmed, but having a daily rhythm allows them a sense of control over knowing what comes next. This is empowering and comforting to them, and often for us as adults too! 

A daily rhythm also allows us to move at a slower pace. Rather than pack in a bunch of events (even fun ones!) into a day, we can make sure there is plenty of time for free play. This allows children time to become engrossed in whatever they are drawn towards. 

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Following a daily rhythm allows for more flexibility than a strict schedule. No day is exactly the same, nor should it be. We travel and go on day trips and adventures. We have playdates and soccer class. Some events happen 1x a week and some 1x a month. Some are planned and some are spontaneous. A daily rhythm allows for this flexibility while still meeting everyone’s needs for routine. 

How can you create a daily rhythm?

What works for one family doesn’t necessarily work for another. Your daily rhythm will look different than mine. If you are interested in creating one but don’t know where to start, first begin with the fixed aspects of your day (such as mealtimes, naps, or school) and then plan a rhythm around that. It also helps to jot down things you want to happen every day (e.g. periods for uninterrupted play, walks, reading) and add those in. There may be other things (e.g. art projects, baking together, library outings) that you make a specific day for each week, or just choose to do spontaneously. When creating your daily rhythm, try to avoid adding the times, at least at first. Focus more on the pattern of events, to reduce pressure and let the day happen organically.

I have included a template you can print to create a daily rhythm yourself! Click the image below to download.

6 Common Misconceptions about Montessori at Home

This week I’m breaking down some common misconceptions about Montessori in the first few years. I bring up these misconceptions because too often I see people dismiss Montessori for reasons that aren’t even true. I completely believe in every family choosing the parenting philosophy that works best for them, but I do hope everyone has the correct information about their options first, and then chooses from there! I hope this helps clarify some of the hot button Montessori topics in the first few years.

Photo by Megan Hooks Photography

1. Kids have complete freedom

It is true that independence is a cornerstone of Montessori. Providing the youngest of children with choices and making our homes accessible promote their capabilities, confidence, and motivation. However, we give our children independence within clear and safe boundaries, in age-appropriate ways. We call this freedom within limits. We offer choices and set clear limits. Young children want predictability and to know that the adults are in control and that their environment is safe. When they receive mixed messages about their limits, they test to see what is and is not acceptable until they feel they are able to predict their environment again.

For example, a freedom is how much to eat at mealtimes. A limit is that we sit down while we eat and that the grown-ups decide what food is offered. A freedom is choosing which books to read before bed. A limit is that we read three books. A freedom is running and playing as loudly as they want. A limit is where that kind of running and play happens (outside).

2. The Shelf is the most important part of Montessori

Looking on the internet, it might appear that the materials on our shelves are the main focus of how we practice Montessori at home, but that is far from the case. Montessori is not defined by the shelf. 

The most important material in your environment is YOU. Preparing yourself is the first step in anything we do in Montessori. Our language, attitude, and response to our children are more impactful than anything on their shelf. 

Montessori is also about learning with all of our senses engaged. It is about learning through movement, learning through our hands, and above all, it is learning about and in the beautiful natural world we live in. The richest learning environment we can give our children is not their shelf at home, but the natural world around us.

3. Our children eat and play alone

While we do encourage starting infants and toddlers on solid foods at a small weaning table, we do not encourage eating alone. A small table encourages independence by getting in and out of the chair as well as reduces throwing and dropping behaviors as there isn’t as far for food to fall. In toddlerhood, the weaning table offers a way for children to set their own table and serve their own snack. Our babies and toddlers are not sitting here alone though. We typically sit on the floor or on a small cushion and join them. Often we also use a high chair for family dinners and meals that pulls right up to our kitchen or dining table.

Similarly, it is true that we encourage independent play as it allows our children to concentrate, problem solve, get creative, and fulfill their own interests. However, it is always balanced out with time together. Often we are sitting right next to them as they explore toys on their own and we talk to them when they look to us for feedback, labels, or conversation. We also spend quality time with them during transitions, such as diapering or toileting, dressing, preparing food, and cleaning. Though not always in the photos, Montessori is about connection as much as concentration.

4. Pretend play isn’t allowed

While it is true that fantasy is discouraged in the early years, it is not true that pretend play is discouraged.

One reason why it can feel as though pretend play is discouraged is because of the emphasis on reality over fantasy. In Montessori we encourage real activities that teach children about the world we live in and give them rich sensory experiences. We also lean towards books and materials that are based in reality. When young children read books that describe real places, people, and animals, they develop a sense of wonder for the world we live in. Books based in reality help to explain the already-gigantic world we live in.

When we let young children lead their own pretend play, we see them create scenes all on their own. These scenes mimic what they see in the real world and in their books. Pretend play offers them a way to work through new experiences and test out new ones. When we provide toddlers and young children with all that the real world has to offer, their pretend play only becomes richer and more fun for them. Sometimes pretend play is with dollhouses and other times it is using the shelf materials themselves in a creative way.

5. Montessori Children Aren’t Social

It is true that children are not forced to share in Montessori. They are also not forced to play with others. Rather, we let the child decide whether to play alone or with others. There are always opportunities for both in a Montessori classroom. We model kindness and compassion ourselves. We give children the opportunity to collaborate and resolve conflict themselves.

Often people bring up the social aspect when children are just toddlers. Toddlers aren’t social beings yet. Though toddlers enjoy being around people, especially family members, they are mostly engaging in parallel play - playing beside not with peers. It isn’t until age 4 or so that children share common goals in their play. Understanding typical social development tailors our expectations of chlidren’s social play and lets them take the lead.

6. Children are Forced to do Chores

Sometimes people see toddlers washing windows or 3-year-olds sweeping the floor and think that this has been forced upon them. Rather, cleaning up is something we model and build into our daily rhythms. It is something that young children really want to be a part of. In Montessori, we invite even the youngest of toddlers to join us as we go about our daily tasks. Toddlers feel valued and helpful when they get to be a part of these important jobs.

As children reach preschool age, we do encourage cleaning up after oneself, e.g. when we make a spill, we wipe it up. The goal isn’t to “make children clean” but rather to instill a sense of personal responsibility, caring for our shared environment, and learning to work together as a family or community.  We model this ourselves and help each other out as needed.

I hope that helps clear up a few of the most common misconceptions I hear about Montessori at home in the first few years. Montessori looks different in every home and every family. Find what works for you!

7 Phrases to Diffuse Toddler Frustration

Frustration is something we all experience. When we become frustrated, tasks that are usually easy become difficult, and calm responses become emotional reactions. The same is true for toddlers, but for them, it can be especially heightened. Toddlers are caught in a balancing act of wanting to do everything themselves while struggling to have the motor and processing skills to accomplish what they’d like to do. Our job is to encourage and scaffold their need for independence. Rather than stepping in and doing tasks for them, we can offer the least amount of help to get them started. We can offer them time and space for practice and encouragement to keep them motivated.

If we constantly step in and do tasks for our children that they are capable of themselves, they lose confidence in their own abilities and stop trying. If we ignore their pleas for help or tell them “you can do it, I’ve seen you do it before!” they feel unheard and misunderstood. We have to find a middle ground.

When our children are working through challenging tasks, there are a few phrases that I always come back to. Most of these center around the theme of acknowledgement, encouraging effort, asking questions, and being present but not hovering. Examples of when I use these phrases range from frustration over getting dressed to figuring out a puzzle to learning how to ride a bike. Children respond to frustration in different ways - some yell “I can’t do it!”, some throw, some whine, and some simply stop trying. It’s helpful to know how your own child responds and to recognize the signs as the frustration begins to build.

“I hear you.” - It’s amazing what a difference it can make to simply listen and acknowledge our toddler. They want to know we are there with them, more than they want us to fix anything.

“That looks really tricky.” - Along with letting toddlers know we hear them, we can empathize with their frustration. Even if they are struggling with a task they have done before or that we feel is easy, the best thing we can do is simply acknowledge that it’s hard for them. Because it is! Certain activities are harder at certain times - this is true for us too. Realizing and acknowledging that makes children (and adults) feel heard and their experience validated, which is a very important step in their ability to return to a calmer state.

“Sometimes I get frustrated too.” - We can even take it one step further and acknowledge out loud that we have struggles too. Children, just as we do, want to relate to others. Knowing that they aren’t the only ones who get frustrated or have a hard time with certain tasks, can be really helpful in diffusing a tense situation.

“You are working really hard on that!” - Part of helping a child with frustration is encouraging them to value the process over the product. We do this by acknowledging effort rather than only praising the outcome. When we put value in working through something challenging, our children feel appreciated for that effort, whether or not they get to the desired outcome. You can read more about acknowledgement vs. praise in this blog post.

“What part would you like help with?” - When we do offer help, we want to do so in the most gentle and unassuming way possible. Rather than assume what our children might need, we can ask first. This also helps them learn to ask for more specific assistance rather than whine generally or say “I can’t.” We can offer help after they’ve made it clear which part is actually causing them the most frustration, which also gives them a sense of control over the situation. When we do offer help, we can start by verbally offering assistance before physically helping. When we do physically help, we can offer the least amount of help by loosening a lid rather than opening entirely or opening the sock rather than putting it on their feet. This helps toddlers become more capable and confident.

“I'm here if you need me.” - Another way to offer help is to simply let our children know we are available and present without stepping in. Again, we don’t want to just jump in and do something for them, but we can be nearby so that they know we are “with them”. Simply knowing we are supporting them by being close by and listening to them can be immensely helpful for young children.

“Would you like to take a break and try again soon?” - Sometimes if frustration just keeps building, it’s best to take a break and try again later. This might look like putting the shoes on for them and giving them opportunities to practice more tomorrow (slippers are easier!). It might look like leaving a puzzle on the table and coming back to it after lunch or a nap. It’s never worth it to force something on our children, setting them up for increased frustration over time.

Try each of these phrases with your child to see what resonates best with them. Sometimes when children feel incredibly frustrated, they just need space to feel their big feelings. In these moments, I use the same phrases “that looks tricky; you look like you are feeling very frustrated right now. I’m here if you need me.” I do not expect a verbal response. I stay near and simply wait for them to look for me for comfort when they are ready.  

It is often very frustrating to be a toddler. There is so much they know they would like to do but don’t have the ability (or patience) to accomplish yet. These phrases offer solidarity and connection. When we can show our children that we understand, are there for them, and are willing to give them the time they need to gain the independence they strive for, it will relieve some of this frustration. This will make it easier to push through and keep trying in moments that are very difficult for them, which is a lesson we could all benefit from.