Raising Helpers

One of the most wonderful things about toddlers is how they so inherently want to help. They are eager to be involved, be near us, and to participate in our day to day activities. What we deem “chores”, toddlers see as what they are: meaningful contributions to our family or community.

After toddlerhood, we often notice a shift. Children seem less intrinsically motivated to help and view helping more as a chore. This is a natural part of development: they are more independent and focused on their own work and play. They are discovering who they are and where their own interests lie, which is a beautiful thing. It also doesn’t mean it’s the end of helping!

How do we continue to foster this motivation and raise helpers beyond the toddler years? Here are a few tips that I’ve been keeping in mind in our own home lately. These can be incorporated in toddlerhood and well beyond!

Help our children - Our children learn how to help through us helping them. When we respond to their requests for help, they are more likely to do so in return. Often helping doesn’t mean doing a task for them, but rather offering just enough help to get them through a tough spot. 

Model it - Not only should we think about how we are offering help to our children, but how can we offer help to our partner, a friend, or our community? The more our children see us being helpers, the more likely they will want to be a helper too. 

Talk about it - “In our family, we help each other.” This is a phrase that we repeat often at home. The more we say and hear this, the more engrained it becomes and the more natural it feels to be a helper in the family. Importantly, this phrase is said in a gentle way, not as a command.

Make it part of the routine - When we make helping a part of our daily rhythm, it becomes natural. In our family, certain tasks are the kids responsibility every day: putting shoes and coats away, setting the table, feeding the dog, wiping up spills, tidying toys, etc. These tasks aren’t rewarded but rather just part of the routine. 

Offer opportunities - Sometimes we move so quickly through our own chores, we forget that we could involve our children. As much as possible, I try to do chores in front of the children so they have the opportunity to join in and help. Often what we consider mundane tasks are satisfying for our children. Having cleaning tools that are appropriately sized for our children make them feel especially capable.

Don’t force it - Inviting doesn’t guarantee our children will help. Even when these tasks are part of the daily or weekly routine, everyone has off days. We can offer grace and let it go. Often the next day, or at a different time, they are ready to help again.

Accept it as is - When our children do help, we may find that their “help” doesn’t lead to the outcome we desire. The dishes might not be as clean or the laundry might not be folded in a neat stack. When this happens, we can thank them for helping and appreciate it for the effort that went into it. Rather than correct them in the moment, we can model again another time, and try to be patient, as every skill takes time.

How can your child help today?

6 Common Misconceptions about Montessori at Home

This week I’m breaking down some common misconceptions about Montessori in the first few years. I bring up these misconceptions because too often I see people dismiss Montessori for reasons that aren’t even true. I completely believe in every family choosing the parenting philosophy that works best for them, but I do hope everyone has the correct information about their options first, and then chooses from there! I hope this helps clarify some of the hot button Montessori topics in the first few years.

Photo by Megan Hooks Photography

1. Kids have complete freedom

It is true that independence is a cornerstone of Montessori. Providing the youngest of children with choices and making our homes accessible promote their capabilities, confidence, and motivation. However, we give our children independence within clear and safe boundaries, in age-appropriate ways. We call this freedom within limits. We offer choices and set clear limits. Young children want predictability and to know that the adults are in control and that their environment is safe. When they receive mixed messages about their limits, they test to see what is and is not acceptable until they feel they are able to predict their environment again.

For example, a freedom is how much to eat at mealtimes. A limit is that we sit down while we eat and that the grown-ups decide what food is offered. A freedom is choosing which books to read before bed. A limit is that we read three books. A freedom is running and playing as loudly as they want. A limit is where that kind of running and play happens (outside).

2. The Shelf is the most important part of Montessori

Looking on the internet, it might appear that the materials on our shelves are the main focus of how we practice Montessori at home, but that is far from the case. Montessori is not defined by the shelf. 

The most important material in your environment is YOU. Preparing yourself is the first step in anything we do in Montessori. Our language, attitude, and response to our children are more impactful than anything on their shelf. 

Montessori is also about learning with all of our senses engaged. It is about learning through movement, learning through our hands, and above all, it is learning about and in the beautiful natural world we live in. The richest learning environment we can give our children is not their shelf at home, but the natural world around us.

3. Our children eat and play alone

While we do encourage starting infants and toddlers on solid foods at a small weaning table, we do not encourage eating alone. A small table encourages independence by getting in and out of the chair as well as reduces throwing and dropping behaviors as there isn’t as far for food to fall. In toddlerhood, the weaning table offers a way for children to set their own table and serve their own snack. Our babies and toddlers are not sitting here alone though. We typically sit on the floor or on a small cushion and join them. Often we also use a high chair for family dinners and meals that pulls right up to our kitchen or dining table.

Similarly, it is true that we encourage independent play as it allows our children to concentrate, problem solve, get creative, and fulfill their own interests. However, it is always balanced out with time together. Often we are sitting right next to them as they explore toys on their own and we talk to them when they look to us for feedback, labels, or conversation. We also spend quality time with them during transitions, such as diapering or toileting, dressing, preparing food, and cleaning. Though not always in the photos, Montessori is about connection as much as concentration.

4. Pretend play isn’t allowed

While it is true that fantasy is discouraged in the early years, it is not true that pretend play is discouraged.

One reason why it can feel as though pretend play is discouraged is because of the emphasis on reality over fantasy. In Montessori we encourage real activities that teach children about the world we live in and give them rich sensory experiences. We also lean towards books and materials that are based in reality. When young children read books that describe real places, people, and animals, they develop a sense of wonder for the world we live in. Books based in reality help to explain the already-gigantic world we live in.

When we let young children lead their own pretend play, we see them create scenes all on their own. These scenes mimic what they see in the real world and in their books. Pretend play offers them a way to work through new experiences and test out new ones. When we provide toddlers and young children with all that the real world has to offer, their pretend play only becomes richer and more fun for them. Sometimes pretend play is with dollhouses and other times it is using the shelf materials themselves in a creative way.

5. Montessori Children Aren’t Social

It is true that children are not forced to share in Montessori. They are also not forced to play with others. Rather, we let the child decide whether to play alone or with others. There are always opportunities for both in a Montessori classroom. We model kindness and compassion ourselves. We give children the opportunity to collaborate and resolve conflict themselves.

Often people bring up the social aspect when children are just toddlers. Toddlers aren’t social beings yet. Though toddlers enjoy being around people, especially family members, they are mostly engaging in parallel play - playing beside not with peers. It isn’t until age 4 or so that children share common goals in their play. Understanding typical social development tailors our expectations of chlidren’s social play and lets them take the lead.

6. Children are Forced to do Chores

Sometimes people see toddlers washing windows or 3-year-olds sweeping the floor and think that this has been forced upon them. Rather, cleaning up is something we model and build into our daily rhythms. It is something that young children really want to be a part of. In Montessori, we invite even the youngest of toddlers to join us as we go about our daily tasks. Toddlers feel valued and helpful when they get to be a part of these important jobs.

As children reach preschool age, we do encourage cleaning up after oneself, e.g. when we make a spill, we wipe it up. The goal isn’t to “make children clean” but rather to instill a sense of personal responsibility, caring for our shared environment, and learning to work together as a family or community.  We model this ourselves and help each other out as needed.

I hope that helps clear up a few of the most common misconceptions I hear about Montessori at home in the first few years. Montessori looks different in every home and every family. Find what works for you!

Close-Ended vs. Open-Ended Toys in Montessori

A question I get asked frequently is why purchase toys that are “one and done”, or in other words, have one way to use them. I call these “close-ended materials”. This is in contrast to open-ended materials which can be used in any number of ways. Montessori classrooms and homes are primarily comprised of close-ended materials. Why? I think there is a common misconception that young children always prefer open-ended toys. I have found that children enjoy close-ended as much if not more, and create open-ended play with anything they have. It isn’t an “either/or” situation. Close-ended materials give children a sense of purpose, order, and satisfaction of accomplishment. Open-ended toys give children a space for creativity and freedom. There are reasons for each and for both. My goal here is to explain, in more detail than anyone asked for, why. :)

Close-Ended Materials

With close-ended materials, there is one specific purpose and way to use them. These types of materials are more always found in a Montessori classroom and home. Close-ended include materials such as knobbed cylinders, a puzzle, tracing, object to picture matching, or one-to-one correspondence. Often a lesson is given before the child interacts with the material.

Benefits of close-ended materials

• Purpose - Young children love nothing more than having a purpose, and close-ended materials provide just that. There is a clear purpose to each material, which gives children a sense of ownership and accomplishment.

• Challenge - These types of materials can be chosen to provide just the right level of challenge for a child. There is something so satisfying for children (and adults) when working through a problem that is tough but not out of reach.

• Mastery - With that purpose and challenge comes the satisfaction of completing the work. Children feel the sense of “I did it” when they master it, particularly for the first time. They can then even go on to teach a younger child how to use the material.

• Concentration - As children work though these materials and challenges, there is often a look of “in the zone”. When children are deep in concentration in this work, they often want to repeat over and over even after mastering.

• Self-correction - Many close-ended materials allow for self-correction, meaning they indicate when something is wrong, rather than an adult telling them so. For example, with knobbed cylinders, if one cylinder is placed incorrectly, the last cylinder won’t fit, and they will know to try a different way.

• Order - Young children crave order, as order gives them a sense of security in a world that feels so big. Close-ended materials give them this sense of order, which is attractive and inviting to them.

• Specific Skills - Each material aims at teaching or honing a specific skill, whether that’s size discrimination, shapes, writing, or colors. By isolating one skill at a time, children can really focus and master that skill.

• Sequencing - Often, close-ended materials involve multiple steps, which helps young children learn how to sequence steps and plan ahead. They memorize a specific order to the steps, and gradually add on more steps with age and experience.

• Cleaning Up - Part of the sequencing involves taking a tray off the shelf and putting it back on after. Even toddlers get practice with the full cycle of an activity: Taking the tray off the shelf, putting the material on a work mat, using the work, putting it back on the tray, and back on the shelf. These are wonderful habits to develop.

It’s important to note that just because a material is close-ended, doesn’t mean that it will always be used in the way intended. If no one or nothng is getting hurt, there is typically no problem with the material being used creatively. D prefers to pin poke inside the lines than on the dotted lines, and S might stack instead of nest blocks. Lots of “close-ended” materials end up being used in an open-ended way!

Photo by Megan Hooks Photography

Open-Ended Toys

That being said, most homes, including Montessori homes, also include plenty of open-ended materials, or toys. Examples of open-ended toys include magnatiles, objects from nature, art supplies, dolls, and cars. With these materials, there is no reason for us to show them how to play. These are often especially enjoyed more by children 2.5 and up, as they begin to play pretend, and tend to get more fun with age.

There are also a number of benefits of open-ended play:

• Creativity and Imagination - There are endless ways to use these materials. Children can come up with their own ideas of how to play with them and make up stories to go along with them. There are no limits.

• No Rules - Especially after a period of structure, such as school, open-ended toys can be a lovely reprieve and calming for children who just want to play without any rules or expectations. Without a right or wrong, this play can feel freeing.

• Processing events and stories - Open-ended toys and pretend play in general is such a great way for children to work through events, friendships, and new situations. It is also a way to retell stories or make up their own.

• Independent Play - Often this type of toy is the best for long periods of play while we get our own tasks done. With room for creativity, mess, and imaginative play, children can really get lost in their own little world with this kind of play.

Both types of toys can be wonderful for problem solving, finding calm, language, and social skills. Both kinds of toys are valuable and enjoyed by children. Balance is key!

Respectful Responses to "WHY??"

"WHY?" For at least the past 6 months, this question has been a constant. D, like many 3-year-olds, is wonderfully curious about the world. She wants to know why that boy is feeling sad, why the ocean has bubbles, and why green means go. Toddlers and young children observe and absorb everything they hear, see, and touch, and have an endless desire for information. So the short answer to why all the “why’s” is that they genuinely want to know. We, as their parents, are the experts. I learned this the hard way when I responded with an “I’m not sure” and was met with an alarmed “But you know EVERYTHING!”. This reminded me just how much weight my words hold, and the importance of how I respond.. Though she will soon learn that I do not indeed know everything, I want my answers to match the authenticity of the questions she asks.

So when D asks me "why", I give her answers. I respond in the best way I know how, and try to make sure my answers are appropriate for her level of understanding. There are times I don’t have the answers, but as mentioned above, saying “I don’t know” causes her to be upset and uncomfortable. I realized this response upsets her because when she senses I am uncertain about something, she feels nervous and insecure. In a world so big, young children see us as their safe harbor; their confident protectors. So instead, when I don’t know the answer to her “Why” I say “Give me a minute to look that up” or I suggest that we look up the answer together. This satisfies her curiosity while being honest that I don’t have every answer immediately.

One of the most interesting things I’ve found about the “why’s” is that she so often asks questions she already knows the answers to. After I thought about this, I realized she isn’t actually doing this to annoy me, but rather because she thrives on repetition. Just as young children love to sing the same song or read the same story again and again, asking the same question and hearing the same answer gives them a sense of comfort in knowing what to expect. Once again, they are looking for reassurance from us, their parents.

That doesn’t mean I always answer the same question on repeat. Rather, I put the ball back in her court and ask, "Why do you think?". My tone of voice is so important here. We want to ask them questions in the same voice we want them to ask us questions: in an authentic and curious voice rather than sarcastic or exasperated. When it's a familiar question, she usually enjoys answering the question herself. Sometimes instead of “Why do you think”, I get better responses by rephrasing the question with choices she knows the answer to. “Do you think that ____ or ____?” Often switching from open-ended questions to choice questions gets a young child to answer because they don’t feel put on the spot. Sometimes I’ll even give a silly response that she knows is wrong and then she will laugh and correct me. Being playful can be a great response too!

That being said, sometimes the "why's" turns into a test or game. The tone of voice of her "why" changes from curious to repetitive and demanding. Often children do this when they want our attention or to get us a little fired up. Again, toddlers test to make sure we are in control, and they so want us to be. So I offer an answer to D’s "why’s", but if she starts into the "why spiral", I let her know I've already answered and I don't have anything else to say about it right now. I then change the subject or ask her a question instead. I say this kindly but with confidence. This helps to avoid the spiral while also not ignoring or diminishing her questioning. After all, I want her to continue to be curious and inquisitive, but respectful as well.

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