7 Phrases to Diffuse Toddler Frustration

Frustration is something we all experience. When we become frustrated, tasks that are usually easy become difficult, and calm responses become emotional reactions. The same is true for toddlers, but for them, it can be especially heightened. Toddlers are caught in a balancing act of wanting to do everything themselves while struggling to have the motor and processing skills to accomplish what they’d like to do. Our job is to encourage and scaffold their need for independence. Rather than stepping in and doing tasks for them, we can offer the least amount of help to get them started. We can offer them time and space for practice and encouragement to keep them motivated.

If we constantly step in and do tasks for our children that they are capable of themselves, they lose confidence in their own abilities and stop trying. If we ignore their pleas for help or tell them “you can do it, I’ve seen you do it before!” they feel unheard and misunderstood. We have to find a middle ground.

When our children are working through challenging tasks, there are a few phrases that I always come back to. Most of these center around the theme of acknowledgement, encouraging effort, asking questions, and being present but not hovering. Examples of when I use these phrases range from frustration over getting dressed to figuring out a puzzle to learning how to ride a bike. Children respond to frustration in different ways - some yell “I can’t do it!”, some throw, some whine, and some simply stop trying. It’s helpful to know how your own child responds and to recognize the signs as the frustration begins to build.

“I hear you.” - It’s amazing what a difference it can make to simply listen and acknowledge our toddler. They want to know we are there with them, more than they want us to fix anything.

“That looks really tricky.” - Along with letting toddlers know we hear them, we can empathize with their frustration. Even if they are struggling with a task they have done before or that we feel is easy, the best thing we can do is simply acknowledge that it’s hard for them. Because it is! Certain activities are harder at certain times - this is true for us too. Realizing and acknowledging that makes children (and adults) feel heard and their experience validated, which is a very important step in their ability to return to a calmer state.

“Sometimes I get frustrated too.” - We can even take it one step further and acknowledge out loud that we have struggles too. Children, just as we do, want to relate to others. Knowing that they aren’t the only ones who get frustrated or have a hard time with certain tasks, can be really helpful in diffusing a tense situation.

“You are working really hard on that!” - Part of helping a child with frustration is encouraging them to value the process over the product. We do this by acknowledging effort rather than only praising the outcome. When we put value in working through something challenging, our children feel appreciated for that effort, whether or not they get to the desired outcome. You can read more about acknowledgement vs. praise in this blog post.

“What part would you like help with?” - When we do offer help, we want to do so in the most gentle and unassuming way possible. Rather than assume what our children might need, we can ask first. This also helps them learn to ask for more specific assistance rather than whine generally or say “I can’t.” We can offer help after they’ve made it clear which part is actually causing them the most frustration, which also gives them a sense of control over the situation. When we do offer help, we can start by verbally offering assistance before physically helping. When we do physically help, we can offer the least amount of help by loosening a lid rather than opening entirely or opening the sock rather than putting it on their feet. This helps toddlers become more capable and confident.

“I'm here if you need me.” - Another way to offer help is to simply let our children know we are available and present without stepping in. Again, we don’t want to just jump in and do something for them, but we can be nearby so that they know we are “with them”. Simply knowing we are supporting them by being close by and listening to them can be immensely helpful for young children.

“Would you like to take a break and try again soon?” - Sometimes if frustration just keeps building, it’s best to take a break and try again later. This might look like putting the shoes on for them and giving them opportunities to practice more tomorrow (slippers are easier!). It might look like leaving a puzzle on the table and coming back to it after lunch or a nap. It’s never worth it to force something on our children, setting them up for increased frustration over time.

Try each of these phrases with your child to see what resonates best with them. Sometimes when children feel incredibly frustrated, they just need space to feel their big feelings. In these moments, I use the same phrases “that looks tricky; you look like you are feeling very frustrated right now. I’m here if you need me.” I do not expect a verbal response. I stay near and simply wait for them to look for me for comfort when they are ready.  

It is often very frustrating to be a toddler. There is so much they know they would like to do but don’t have the ability (or patience) to accomplish yet. These phrases offer solidarity and connection. When we can show our children that we understand, are there for them, and are willing to give them the time they need to gain the independence they strive for, it will relieve some of this frustration. This will make it easier to push through and keep trying in moments that are very difficult for them, which is a lesson we could all benefit from.