It's okay for our toddlers to say "no"

Right around the age of two, “no” becomes a favorite word. “Are you ready to put on your shoes now?” “No.” “Would you like me to help you?” “No.” “It’s time to get in the car.” “No.” “Do you want to go on a super fun adventure that involves snacks and playing in water?!” “No!” Does this sound familiar? ;)

When toddlers say no, they are learning how to exert their will in a meaningful way for the first time. They are realizing they are their own unique person with their own thoughts and opinions. They are letting us know loud and clear that they are their own person with a strong will and personality.

When we think about the kind of human we want to raise, this is it! We want our children to hold boundaries, to stand up for themselves, and to be strong and independent. Why does this feel so hard at age two?

It’s all about balance. We want to give our toddlers plenty of opportunities to exert their will, to feel independent and capable, and to set their personal boundaries. We also want to set clear and loving limits that they are able to follow. How do we do this?

Make Transitions Fun

Transitions are often the time we hear the most “no’s” from our toddlers. This is understandable: we are asking them to stop one fun activity and quickly make the switch to something else, often less exciting. One way to prevent our toddlers from saying “no” is to make transitions smoother and more fun in the first place.

Following a daily rhythm and knowing each step of their routines can give them comfort in knowing what comes next and feeling comfortable with the daily transitions. Being playful can lighten up the mood and slow us down in transitions. Examples of playful transitions: “Let’s hop like bunnies to the car!” or “Time to find your shoes! Where are they hiding?”

Offer Age-Appropriate Choices

Choices are another way to help our day flow more smoothly and to give our toddlers a sense of autonomy and confidence. There are lots of choices we can offer our toddlers throughout the day. Choices are appropriate for toddlers when both answers are viable options. Examples of toddler choices might include:

• “Would you like blueberries or bananas with your oatmeal this morning?”

• “Which shoes would you like to wear, red or blue?”

• “Do you want to walk or ride your bike?”

• “Would you like a hug or a high five?”

While choices are incredibly powerful for toddlers, there are also times when choices aren’t appropriate. While it is kind to offer limited choices rather than boss our toddlers around, it isn’t kind to offer a choice when there really isn’t one.

Avoid giving options when there really isn’t a choice 

Pause before asking a question or offering a choice. Consider if you are really okay with either answer or the option you are about to give. For example, when you ask “Are you ready for bedtime?” is “no” really an acceptable option?

If there is only one appopriate response, do not pose it as a question, simply state what you want. Rather than ask, “Are you ready for bed?” you could state, “After this book, we are going to start bathtime.”  

You could also offer two choices that both result in starting bedtime. For example, “Would you like to brush teeth or put on pajamas first?”

When they still say “No”

There are plenty of times when toddlers still say “no” to the choices or statements we offer. These moments can feel so frustrating, especially when our toddlers say this on repeat.

When S responds with “no”, the first thing I ask myself is “Is this something that really must be done now?” and “Why?” Oftentimes I can give S a bit more time and with that extra time he is able to finish what he is doing, process what I said, and feels ready to follow my request. Other times he is saying “no” to joining in something that he just doesn’t feel comfortable doing, and it’s more than okay for him to set those boundaries and opt out.

If “no” really isn’t an option, I validate his feelings and help him to follow my directions. If he is tired, hungry, or having an off day, I will often acknowledge what he has said and repeat myself once before helping him. For example, if he doesn’t want to leave the park: “You don’t want to leave the playground and go home. It’s hard to leave. It’s time to go to the car.” I often then need to gently help his body: “I’m going to pick you up now and carry you to the car.” 

What we can control

While we can’t control how our toddler responds to us, we can control our response to them. When we acknowledge their wants and feelings, they feel seen. When we respect their boundaries, they feel safe. When we stay calm and confident, they feel secure with us. When we find a healthy balance of giving our toddlers autonomy and loving limits, we both feel better.

Transitioning from Naptime to Quiet Time

Many parents fear the day their child stops napping, and understandably so. Naps are a time of peace and quiet for parents and children alike. However, the end of naps doesn’t have to mean the end of rest. Rather, children can transition from nap time to quiet time.

D stopped napping quite early, around 2.5. She was getting a very long consolidated sleep at night (13 hours), so I knew she’d be okay sleep-wise but I also knew she needed some downtime to make it through the long day. As D was already often playing in her room instead of napping, it was a natural transition for us to simply call it “quiet time” instead of “nap time”. She turned this phrase into "home time" as she considers her bedroom her own little home. Since 2.5, she spends this time (1-1.5 hrs) in her room, with the door open, playing pretend with her dolls, animals, and tea set, and "reading" books. This is an important time for both of us to have quiet in the day, and come back together in the afternoon feeling refreshed.

Often the transition from a nap to quiet time isn’t so natural, but it’s still possible! If this is something you’d like to start but aren’t sure how, here are some tips for quiet time success: 

1. Enjoy a little one on one time first. Children need time together before they can feel ready to be apart. Spend a little time reading, playing, or enjoying a meal together, without any screens or distractions, prior to quiet time. 

2. Keep your routine consistent. Every transition is easier once it becomes part of your daily rhythm. Setting the expectation that quiet independent play will happen daily around the same time, will ensure a smoother change happens.   

3. Create a space that is special and cozy. Quiet time can happen in their bedroom or a shared space. Whichever you choose, make it a place they want to be. This might include a few favorite toys, books, comfy pillows, or even music or an audiobook. Make sure everything that they have with them is safe for them to use independently. 

4. Start small. This might mean 5-10 minutes to start. Explain how and where quiet time will happen and when you will be back. Make the first quiet time very short so they trust you and feel okay about it (if they are engrossed in play, quietly stand near their door and wait for them to look up. Let them know that they may join you when they feel ready but let them know there is no rush. Gradually add on 5 minutes at a time. How long quiet time lasts is really up to you and your child. 

5. Use visual cues. A helpful visual tool for children in quiet time is a time-to-rise light. When the light changes color, they know quiet time is over. We love our Hatch but there are others. Another option is a visual timer but this makes some children anxious, as they watch the clock slowly tick down.

It may take a bit of time to transition into this new routine, or it might be a seamless transition from nap time like it was for D. Either way, keeping your home quiet and choosing an activity for yourself that is calm and quiet will help create a restful atmosphere and give an opportunity for everyone to recharge each afternoon.

Respectful Responses to "WHY??"

"WHY?" For at least the past 6 months, this question has been a constant. D, like many 3-year-olds, is wonderfully curious about the world. She wants to know why that boy is feeling sad, why the ocean has bubbles, and why green means go. Toddlers and young children observe and absorb everything they hear, see, and touch, and have an endless desire for information. So the short answer to why all the “why’s” is that they genuinely want to know. We, as their parents, are the experts. I learned this the hard way when I responded with an “I’m not sure” and was met with an alarmed “But you know EVERYTHING!”. This reminded me just how much weight my words hold, and the importance of how I respond.. Though she will soon learn that I do not indeed know everything, I want my answers to match the authenticity of the questions she asks.

So when D asks me "why", I give her answers. I respond in the best way I know how, and try to make sure my answers are appropriate for her level of understanding. There are times I don’t have the answers, but as mentioned above, saying “I don’t know” causes her to be upset and uncomfortable. I realized this response upsets her because when she senses I am uncertain about something, she feels nervous and insecure. In a world so big, young children see us as their safe harbor; their confident protectors. So instead, when I don’t know the answer to her “Why” I say “Give me a minute to look that up” or I suggest that we look up the answer together. This satisfies her curiosity while being honest that I don’t have every answer immediately.

One of the most interesting things I’ve found about the “why’s” is that she so often asks questions she already knows the answers to. After I thought about this, I realized she isn’t actually doing this to annoy me, but rather because she thrives on repetition. Just as young children love to sing the same song or read the same story again and again, asking the same question and hearing the same answer gives them a sense of comfort in knowing what to expect. Once again, they are looking for reassurance from us, their parents.

That doesn’t mean I always answer the same question on repeat. Rather, I put the ball back in her court and ask, "Why do you think?". My tone of voice is so important here. We want to ask them questions in the same voice we want them to ask us questions: in an authentic and curious voice rather than sarcastic or exasperated. When it's a familiar question, she usually enjoys answering the question herself. Sometimes instead of “Why do you think”, I get better responses by rephrasing the question with choices she knows the answer to. “Do you think that ____ or ____?” Often switching from open-ended questions to choice questions gets a young child to answer because they don’t feel put on the spot. Sometimes I’ll even give a silly response that she knows is wrong and then she will laugh and correct me. Being playful can be a great response too!

That being said, sometimes the "why's" turns into a test or game. The tone of voice of her "why" changes from curious to repetitive and demanding. Often children do this when they want our attention or to get us a little fired up. Again, toddlers test to make sure we are in control, and they so want us to be. So I offer an answer to D’s "why’s", but if she starts into the "why spiral", I let her know I've already answered and I don't have anything else to say about it right now. I then change the subject or ask her a question instead. I say this kindly but with confidence. This helps to avoid the spiral while also not ignoring or diminishing her questioning. After all, I want her to continue to be curious and inquisitive, but respectful as well.

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Navigating the Not-So-Terrible Twos

Last week, D started a part-time Montessori program, and loves it already! She is excited to go see her teachers and friends (and class fish!), and is happy when I pick her up later in the morning. As all transitions do though, this new start has stirred up some big emotions at home. She is clearly working through a lot, and it has resulted in less sleep and a few more tantrums at home. I know this will pass, but in the meantime I’ve been reading back over my favorite books and remind myself how to deal with some of these big feelings and reactions. I figured some of you might be going through similar transitions as school starts back up, or just have a toddler who acts like a toddler! ;)

I don’t like to call the twos “terrible” because they really aren’t. Yes, toddlers can be very difficult but it’s only because they are figuring out how to be their own little people. I think our attitude about our children plays a huge role in how we react to their behaviors. I know that it helps me to remember just how much growth and development is happening in their brains and body, and how much they need our love, respect, and understanding right now. I can better deal the toddler ‘tude when I remember it isn’t coming from a malicious intent, but rather figuring out limits, exerting their autonomy, and figuring out their place. At the same time, none of us are perfect, and we will all occasionally react in ways we don’t feel proud of when we are tired and frustrated ourselves. Cut yourself some slack and remember there’s always next time.

Below are ten ideas and strategies I try to implement in almost all cases of toddler behavior, from tantrums to refusing to cooperate to throwing or hitting. Maybe one or two will resonate with you too!

Provide safe space to explore - The more freedom a toddler has to explore and play, the happier they are. If we constantly have to tell them “no”, they will say it right back to us. Child-proof your house as much as possible and choose your battles. Save the “no’s” for when they are about to touch the hot stove, rather than dumping tupperware out of the drawer. Sometimes we all just need to get outside, which is full of safe exploration!

Embrace the big emotions - Toddlers experience emotions in extremes, and there isn’t much we can do to change that. Rather than try to fix it, give in, or tell them “it’s okay”, let them feel their feels. It can help to wait until they are calm to try to have a conversation. Simply offering a hug or a safe space is best when they are in the middle of a tantrum, while you let it ride out. Then when they are a bit calmer, you can address the issue if needed.

Acknowledge and empathize - Toddlers can get frustrated or scared about the strangest and most trivial of things. It is tempting to laugh or get annoyed, but I find it’s helpful to think about how it feels for them. The more we get down to their level and acknowledge how they’re feeling, the better they will feel. Acknowledging and labeling feelings also helps them work through their own emotions.

Redirect - Often toddlers need to get energy and frustration out and the only way they know how is to throw, hit, or bite. If they are throwing dishes or hitting a friend, we have to let them know that’s not okay while still giving them opportunities to release that energy and feeling. I might say something like “I am not going to let you throw that toy towards your brother. I need to keep both of you safe. If you’d like to throw, let’s throw these balls into the big basket instead.” It’s helpful to be matter of fact, while stopping the unsafe behavior.

Be a Confident Leader - This is one of the most important tools. Janet Lansbury talks about this a lot, - how toddlers are constantly testing us to make sure we are in control. They don’t actually want to be in charge; they want a calm and loving, but authoritative (NOT authoritarian) leader. When we feel out of control, they feel scared and more out of control. Being a gentle leader means setting clear limits ahead of time, such as how we behave at the dinner table. It also means setting consequences that we can actually follow-up on rather than empty threats. An example is, “when you throw your food, that tells me you’re all done with lunch” (and then end the meal). We can always offer another chance later.

Give them Autonomy - Finding opportunities for a toddler to do things themselves, e.g. pick out clothes, serve their own snack, wash their own face, gives them that sense of independence that they so deeply crave. Offering limited choices is a great way to give toddlers some autonomy, e..g choosing between using the potty or brushing teeth first before bed. (Just be careful that your choices aren’t “yes/no” or you will almost always get a “no” in response.)

“Do” rather than “Don’t” - This is a trick I learned from working at a Montessori school. We would always ask the children to “use walking feet” rather than “don’t run”. Phrasing requests or questions in a positive rather than negative way makes children much more agreeable and sounds less nagging. Another example is “let’s use quiet voices” rather than “don’t yell”.

Make Time Tangible - Time is a very tricky concept for toddlers to grasp. Telling a toddler “5 more minutes” doesn’t really mean anything to them. Instead, try saying something like “two more runs down the slide until we get in the car” or “one more book until bedtime”. The important part is to follow through on whatever limit you set! It’s even more helpful to have consistent routines throughout the day so that your toddler knows what to expect (this comes before that) without you always having to remind them.

Be Real - Sometimes when we are really frustrated, the best thing to do is to say so to our toddler. It’s okay to say to a toddler, “Mommy is feeling very frustrated and needs to take a break." Walking away from an intense meltdown (when possible) and taking some deep breaths is great modeling for your toddler. We want to show them that we all have feelings and there are strategies, such as breathing and movement, to deal with them. Additionally, you will be able to come back and react in a more calm way if you’ve caught a breath first.

Be Playful - The book “How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen” is good at highlighting this. I don’t find it always works to actually get a toddler to do something, but it never hurts to lighten the mood and get us both out of a negative space. An example of this can be in offering two choices - “Do you want to walk or gallop like a horse to the car?” Another way to get a toddler out of a grump is to play music, sing and dance around, or do yoga together!

My favorite books on the topic are:

Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen

No Bad Kids by Janet Lansbury

How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen by Joanna Faber

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