A Montessori Approach to (not) Sharing

Sharing is a tricky concept for toddlers. For one, toddlers feel ownership (rightfully so) over anything that is in their hands. Second, until sometime between two and a half and three, toddlers typically prefer to "parallel play", meaning they play next to others but not necessarily with them. Cooperative play comes even later.

Now that D has a little brother, is in a part-time Montessori program, and has plenty of social opportunities, sharing has become a more relevant topic. At two and a half years, D loves to be with her friends, especially singing songs or sharing snack together. She is even starting to enjoy more cooperative coloring, building blocks, or other group games. She understands that she has her toys and S has his, but there are blurry ownership lines. As she navigates these new social interactions, it has me thinking a lot about our approach to sharing.

As much as she enjoys playing with friends, she also finds a lot of “flow” and joy in independent play. Through focused play, D is concentrating, working through problems, and using trial and error. When she is engrossed in her activity, I don’t want to interrupt her flow by making her share. I want her to be able to play with friends, but also to feel comfortable saying no, and to respect when others do too. This often means saying no to sharing.

Rather than forcing toddlers to share, we can help them take turns, or ask to work together. A child who is working with a toy or material should be given the time they wish to have to concentrate and enjoy it. The child who wants the toy can be told "It looks like ____ is using that work right now. You can use it when they are done with it." If the activity is something that can be enjoyed together, the child playing with the desired toy can also be asked, “Would you like to play with ___, or would you like to play by yourself?” Modeling this language helps the toddlers to verbalize this on their own. You often hear in a Montessori classroom, “my work”, as well as asking to work together.

This is obviously easier in a Montessori classroom, where toddlers know if a work is on the shelf, it's available; if it's in use, it's not. On a playdate or at the park, we can follow the same principles but perhaps with a bit more flexibility. If D is playing with a bucket that another child clearly wants, I would say "I see that she wants to play with the bucket too. Do you want to play together?” If she doesn’t I would say, “How about you play with it for a bit longer and then we give her a turn." If she’s upset by this, I would acknowledge her feelings, offer comfort, and remind her that she can have another turn soon. “I know it’s hard to wait for your turn. You could play with this other toy while you wait, or you could ask to watch.”

With friend Marley of Montessori in Motion

If another child tries to take a toy from D in a public setting and the parent doesn't say anything, I might gently stop the action and say to the child that D is using it right now but she can have a turn next. Often D has already said that it is hers. If the child still takes it, I don't force the child to give it back but if D is upset, I say out loud to her, "Oh it looks like she really wanted to play with that toy too. It made you upset that she took that toy from you. Let's find something else to play with" and walk to another area, when possible.

Lastly, if D takes a toy from another child, I would say something like “Oh, he was using that right now. Let’s give it back to him and find something new. You can have a turn when he’s done.” If she doesn’t give it back, I’d give her the option to either give it back or have me give it back. Again, I’d acknowledge her feelings and offer her alternatives.

One could argue that toddlers should work this out amongst themselves. I agree, if they are agreeable to playing together. But in many cases, with young toddlers especially, I like to say something in this scenario because they are still working on communicating effectively. It gives her language to use herself. I also don’t want D to think it’s okay to consistently take other’s toys or have them taken from her. While I don’t think we need to intervene in every scenario, I do want to set expectations of turn-taking and treating others with kindness early on. Thanks to Montessori, I also place a lot of value on focused, uninterrupted play. If we are constantly forcing our kids to share, or making them give up their toys or vice versa, they aren’t allowed to find their rhythm in play.

When it comes to interactions with her little brother, I obviously do the talking for baby S. Now that he’s becoming mobile, the reminders go both ways. If D takes his toy, he doesn’t care at this point, but I would say “S is using that right now. Let’s find something else for you to play with.” Alternatively, if he’s okay with it, she can replace his toy with something new, which she often does on her own. If S starts pulling at D’s work, D will usually say something like “that’s mine, Booboo!”, and I will offer him a toy of his own. As he gets older, I’m sure they will choose to play together, but for now, D prefers to play alone, next to him, or to entertain him with stories and songs.

At two and a half, D is finding the balance between playing with friends, her brother, and focusing on her own. Sharing doesn’t have to be the answer. I want the choice to be hers first and foremost.

Why and How we Believe in Santa

Believing in Santa Claus. This is our first Christmas in which D is old enough to start talking about and understanding the Santa Claus story. It has made me think a lot about how I want to approach it with our children…

There are many parents in the Montessori community who believe in telling the truth (Santa isn't real) from the beginning. This is in line with the reality-based nature of Montessori education in the first plane of development. The reasoning is that children under the age of 6 have trouble distinguishing the difference between fantasy and reality, so better to focus on real-life stories and play. I tend to agree with that, and find toddlers enjoy reality-based play and stories the most, and it by no means inhibits their imagination or engagement in pretend play.

I do also think there can be exceptions. When my husband and I look back on our childhood's, we only have positive memories of the "magic of Santa Claus". There was something so beautiful and innocent about holding onto the belief that once a year, the world would be a magical place and make children all over the world happy. Even after we found out the truth, Christmas and the idea of Santa Claus continued to be a special celebration, and we carried on the letters to Santa, the cookies, and the belief for children younger than us.

My favorite Christmas movie has always been Miracle on 34th Street, because it captures the essence of the Christmas spirit and choosing to believe. “ I'm not just a whimsical figure who wears a charming suit and affects a jolly demeanor. You know, I'm a symbol. I'm a symbol of the human ability to be able to suppress the selfish and hateful tendencies that rule the major part of our lives.”

So, yes, we are going to continue to carry on the Santa story. But rather than talk about being nice vs. naughty, we can talk about the origin of Santa Claus (Saint Nicholas) and the spirit of giving at Christmastime, that can be carried on forever. And when our children are ready for the truth, we will be honest and open about it. I bet, even then, they will appreciate the "magic" of Santa, as a symbol of kindness and generosity, as we, as adults, still do too.

Going to See Santa

As a side note, we didn't plan to go see Santa but D REALLY wanted to go this year. When we got there, she was so excited, but also scared to get too close. We did NOT make her sit in his lap. She watched her baby brother sit and smile at Santa, and then she was ready to get close with me holding her. Afterwards, she held on so tightly to the Santa pictures we received and wanted to tell the story of seeing Santa again and again. :)

A Few Favorite Christmas Traditions

Advent Calendar - My sister made us a beautiful advent calendar, and in December we have begun to fill each pocket with a little surprise. (To simplify for a toddler, we only put the surprise in that day’s pocket rather than filling them all in the beginning.) Examples include fruit snacks, tiny ornaments, stickers, or an activity such as making cookies or singing Jingle Bells.

Picking out an Ornament - Last year we started this with D, and I plan to continue it every year. We go to a store with a large assortment of ornaments and she gets to pick one out for the tree. S will get to do the same. Then, when they have their own families and trees, they will have a wonderful set of ornaments and memories.

Gift of Giving - Each Christmas season, we make something for all our neighbors and walk around the neighborhood, passing them out to each house. I think D is really going to enjoy handing the treats out this year! It’s a great way for her to practice giving as well as receiving. As she gets older, I’d like to extend this to larger ways of giving, such as involving her in picking a place to volunteer together or a charity to give to.

Santa Presents - We plan to have Santa bring one present and the stocking stuffers for the kids. The other few presents are from us. Just as I had growing up, we will put a satsuma/clementine at the bottom of each stocking. Mrs. Claus always brings PJs as well (which is still done by my mom, Nana). Christmas morning, we take turns opening one present at a time, to appreciate what each person receives!

Letters to Santa - This was my favorite tradition growing up. Every Christmas Eve my sisters and I would write a letter to Santa and every Christmas morning we’d wake up to a thoughtful or funny response. We continued this tradition long after we knew Santa wasn’t real. It was a way to reflect, be silly, or just ask questions we never asked out loud. I’m looking forward to starting that with our children when they get a bit older. My mom made a book out of our letters, which is one of my favorite books to read through each Christmas now.

Recommended Children’s Books:

I Got the Christmas Spirit by Connie Schofield-Morrison

The Spirit of Giving by Nancy Tillman

The Story of Saint Nicholas by Laura Wagner

Pick a Pine Tree by Patricia Toht

Note: This post contains affiliate links. If you purchase a product through one of these links, you won’t pay anything extra, but I will get a small commission, which helps keep this blog going. Thanks for supporting Montessori in Real Life!

Navigating the Not-So-Terrible Twos

Last week, D started a part-time Montessori program, and loves it already! She is excited to go see her teachers and friends (and class fish!), and is happy when I pick her up later in the morning. As all transitions do though, this new start has stirred up some big emotions at home. She is clearly working through a lot, and it has resulted in less sleep and a few more tantrums at home. I know this will pass, but in the meantime I’ve been reading back over my favorite books and remind myself how to deal with some of these big feelings and reactions. I figured some of you might be going through similar transitions as school starts back up, or just have a toddler who acts like a toddler! ;)

I don’t like to call the twos “terrible” because they really aren’t. Yes, toddlers can be very difficult but it’s only because they are figuring out how to be their own little people. I think our attitude about our children plays a huge role in how we react to their behaviors. I know that it helps me to remember just how much growth and development is happening in their brains and body, and how much they need our love, respect, and understanding right now. I can better deal the toddler ‘tude when I remember it isn’t coming from a malicious intent, but rather figuring out limits, exerting their autonomy, and figuring out their place. At the same time, none of us are perfect, and we will all occasionally react in ways we don’t feel proud of when we are tired and frustrated ourselves. Cut yourself some slack and remember there’s always next time.

Below are ten ideas and strategies I try to implement in almost all cases of toddler behavior, from tantrums to refusing to cooperate to throwing or hitting. Maybe one or two will resonate with you too!

Provide safe space to explore - The more freedom a toddler has to explore and play, the happier they are. If we constantly have to tell them “no”, they will say it right back to us. Child-proof your house as much as possible and choose your battles. Save the “no’s” for when they are about to touch the hot stove, rather than dumping tupperware out of the drawer. Sometimes we all just need to get outside, which is full of safe exploration!

Embrace the big emotions - Toddlers experience emotions in extremes, and there isn’t much we can do to change that. Rather than try to fix it, give in, or tell them “it’s okay”, let them feel their feels. It can help to wait until they are calm to try to have a conversation. Simply offering a hug or a safe space is best when they are in the middle of a tantrum, while you let it ride out. Then when they are a bit calmer, you can address the issue if needed.

Acknowledge and empathize - Toddlers can get frustrated or scared about the strangest and most trivial of things. It is tempting to laugh or get annoyed, but I find it’s helpful to think about how it feels for them. The more we get down to their level and acknowledge how they’re feeling, the better they will feel. Acknowledging and labeling feelings also helps them work through their own emotions.

Redirect - Often toddlers need to get energy and frustration out and the only way they know how is to throw, hit, or bite. If they are throwing dishes or hitting a friend, we have to let them know that’s not okay while still giving them opportunities to release that energy and feeling. I might say something like “I am not going to let you throw that toy towards your brother. I need to keep both of you safe. If you’d like to throw, let’s throw these balls into the big basket instead.” It’s helpful to be matter of fact, while stopping the unsafe behavior.

Be a Confident Leader - This is one of the most important tools. Janet Lansbury talks about this a lot, - how toddlers are constantly testing us to make sure we are in control. They don’t actually want to be in charge; they want a calm and loving, but authoritative (NOT authoritarian) leader. When we feel out of control, they feel scared and more out of control. Being a gentle leader means setting clear limits ahead of time, such as how we behave at the dinner table. It also means setting consequences that we can actually follow-up on rather than empty threats. An example is, “when you throw your food, that tells me you’re all done with lunch” (and then end the meal). We can always offer another chance later.

Give them Autonomy - Finding opportunities for a toddler to do things themselves, e.g. pick out clothes, serve their own snack, wash their own face, gives them that sense of independence that they so deeply crave. Offering limited choices is a great way to give toddlers some autonomy, e..g choosing between using the potty or brushing teeth first before bed. (Just be careful that your choices aren’t “yes/no” or you will almost always get a “no” in response.)

“Do” rather than “Don’t” - This is a trick I learned from working at a Montessori school. We would always ask the children to “use walking feet” rather than “don’t run”. Phrasing requests or questions in a positive rather than negative way makes children much more agreeable and sounds less nagging. Another example is “let’s use quiet voices” rather than “don’t yell”.

Make Time Tangible - Time is a very tricky concept for toddlers to grasp. Telling a toddler “5 more minutes” doesn’t really mean anything to them. Instead, try saying something like “two more runs down the slide until we get in the car” or “one more book until bedtime”. The important part is to follow through on whatever limit you set! It’s even more helpful to have consistent routines throughout the day so that your toddler knows what to expect (this comes before that) without you always having to remind them.

Be Real - Sometimes when we are really frustrated, the best thing to do is to say so to our toddler. It’s okay to say to a toddler, “Mommy is feeling very frustrated and needs to take a break." Walking away from an intense meltdown (when possible) and taking some deep breaths is great modeling for your toddler. We want to show them that we all have feelings and there are strategies, such as breathing and movement, to deal with them. Additionally, you will be able to come back and react in a more calm way if you’ve caught a breath first.

Be Playful - The book “How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen” is good at highlighting this. I don’t find it always works to actually get a toddler to do something, but it never hurts to lighten the mood and get us both out of a negative space. An example of this can be in offering two choices - “Do you want to walk or gallop like a horse to the car?” Another way to get a toddler out of a grump is to play music, sing and dance around, or do yoga together!

My favorite books on the topic are:

Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen

No Bad Kids by Janet Lansbury

How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen by Joanna Faber

Note: This post contains affiliate links. If you purchase a product through one of these links, you won’t pay anything extra, but I will get a small commission, which helps keep this blog going. Thanks for supporting Montessori in Real Life!

Plant-Based Toddler Meal Ideas

Fun fact about me: I used to have a food blog! I guess once a blogger, always a blogger. ;) Though I no longer spend my time creating recipes, I still love to cook, especially plant-based food. Though we aren’t strictly vegan (we eat some eggs and fish), we eat very little dairy or meat. We just feel better eating this way, for various reasons. That being said, I want D to be able to make her own choices when she’s older and be able to eat cake at birthday parties, so I do let her have the occasional bowl of mac & cheese or whatever else her friends are having on a playdate. There are many opinions about this, but I respect whatever food choices parents make for their own children, and hope others do the same! :)

Feeding toddlers can be tricky in general, and many of you have asked for ideas. These days D often eats whatever my husband and I are already having (90% of our dinners come from MInimalist Baker!), but here are some of her favorites for each meal that I make on the regular. I also make a note when it’s a meal that D enjoys helping me make, and my hope is that she can help me make every recipe given enough time and practice!

Side note: though you can find links to D’s dishes in our Functional Kitchen blog post, I’ve recently updated her plates, silverware, and cups to accommodate her growing hands and tummy. Even though D is out of the dish throwing phase, I still like to use Duralex because cups just seem to fall and spill more than other dishes. I also really like her new larger utensils because the forks’ tongs are sharp enough for her to easily pierce her food (though she still uses her hands an equal amount). Links below:

Plates | Cups | Utensils

Breakfast

I try to make this self-serve or in parts, e.g. so she can pour or scoop berries or nuts into her oatmeal before eating. All of these are quick, and easy to prepare the night before or morning of (with a hangry toddler in tow)!

• Yogurt & Granola or Chopped Walnuts & Fruit - Our favorite non-dairy yogurts are Forager Cashew and CocoYo Coconut (unsweetened)

• Chia pudding ( I leave out the maple syrup - dates are sweet enough!) - We mix it up with different seed and nut butters such as sunflower seed butter

• Buckwheat pancakes (I use Bob’s Red Mill mix with a flax egg or normal egg). D can help me stir the batter, but her favorite part is to pour on a little syrup from her small pitcher. :)

• Overnight Oats or Old-Fashioned Oats + Hemp or Pumpkin Seeds + Fruit

Lunch

This is usually a small meal because D has eaten a big breakfast and snack already, and is getting ready for nap. Sometimes we combine a couple of the ideas to make a larger meal though.

• Hummus Plate - This is a go-to for lunch or snack. I slice up some of her favorite veggies: cucumber, bell pepper, carrot, and/or snap peas, and serve with some hummus or yogurt dip and sometimes a little bread, or whole wheat crackers too. D enjoys chopping up the cucumber, and carrot if I’ve steamed it a little beforehand.

• Avocado Toast and Tomato Salad - D loves spreading her own mashed avocado on toast. She also enjoys mashing. I usually mix the mashed avocado with nutritional yeast and/or hemp hearts. This is especially good on fresh sourdough bread and served with chopped heirloom/cherry tomatoes. (I mix tomatoes with a little olive oil and basil too).

• Broccoli Fritters & Dip - I use a bit less spice, added one chopped scallion, and reduced salt a lot. We experiment a lot with different forms of veggie patties and falafels because they are great for both lunch and snack as finger food. D enjoys lentils so I like ones such as these, served with dipping sauce or not.

• Smoothies - For the two of us, I typically blend 1.5 cups almond, coconut, or hemp milk, a ripe banana, a couple large handfuls of spinach, a tbsp nut butter, 1 tbsp chia seeds and a splash of sweetener, e.g. maple or date syrup. Sometimes I add frozen berries, avocado, or cucumber too. D loves to add all the ingredients to the blender for us, and help pour the smoothie for us.

Dinner

As I mentioned, usually D just eats whatever my husband and I are having for dinner, or at least a version of it. This is the meal of the day I really enjoy cooking, and having D help me with too!

• Vegan Lasagna - You know a recipe is loved when the page is covered in tomato sauce splatter. :) The one we use and love is from The Minimalist Baker cookbook (my favorite cookbook!) but this one by Oh She Glows is also good! I’ve also made a simpler version by just using store-bought marinara and Kite Hill almond milk ricotta. D loves to help spread on the layers for this one!

• Buddha Bowls - This is another one of our family’s weekly staples, and it’s great because it can be adjusted to what’s in season or what you have in the fridge already. Our favorite is a bowl with jasmine or brown rice, pan-seared or baked tofu, spinach, steamed broccoli, shredded raw carrot, and avocado slices topped with peanut sauce and scallions. We use this peanut sauce from Minimalist Baker, minus the chili sauce for D.

• Deconstructed Tacos - A quick and simple dinner we always enjoy is tacos. For D, I just serve them “deconstructed”. This is usually a combo of black beans, roasted sweet potato spiced with cumin and paprika, homemade guacamole, and corn tortilla slices. Sometimes we make a small quesadilla with dairy-free cheese for her too.

• “Zoodles” or Noodles - Though pasta with veggies and legumes is always a go-to, this version is a fun way to sneak in even more veggies. Using a spiralizer, we make our own veggie noodles (mostly “zoodles” or zucchini noodles). We’ve also successfully used the spiralizer to make squash noodles! We top the zoodles (or just traditional noodles) with tomato sauce, chickpeas or lentils, and vegan parmesan, or homemade pesto. Lots of ways for D to help here, with combining ingredients in the food processor for sauce or helping turn the spiralizer and transfer noodles.

These are just a few of our favorites! Would love to hear yours!

Note: This post contains affiliate links. If you purchase a product through one of these links, you won’t pay anything extra, but I will get a small commission, which helps keep this blog going. Thanks for supporting Montessori in Real Life!

The Ups and Downs of Potty Learning

Spoiler alert: If you are hoping for how to potty train in 2 days, this is not the post for you! ;) We began “potty learning” when D was about 14 months old. You can read about how we began in this previous blog post, which helps explain the why’s and how’s of our method. Since then, I’ve been getting questions about how it’s going now, especially given that she is wearing underwear in many of our photos! Here is our potty learning update, at 19 months.

Though we have a potty set up for her in two bathrooms (one upstairs and one downstairs), she primarily uses the one downstairs, because that’s where she plays and we spend most of our time. It is a small half bath, but we’ve made it work! It’s worth it to squeeze the potty in this bathroom rather than just place it in the hallway, because it helps to familiarize her with the bathroom as the appropriate place to go. The potty we use is this one by Joovy Loo but many love the Baby Bjorn one, which is a little lower to the ground and is narrower.

Since we began 5 months ago, we’ve had many ups and downs, especially during sickness, travel, or developmental leaps. Luckily, having spent countless hours in the bathroom with toddlers as a teacher, this didn’t come as a surprise to me. Especially when starting at a young age, getting familiar with using the potty takes time, practice, and backwards steps (hopefully along with a few more forward steps). Despite what potty training books say, it doesn’t usually happen over the course of a weekend. The good news is it also doesn’t have to require bribes, punishments, or being stuck in the house for three days.

Over the past few months, D has been wearing underwear more and more. She exclusively wears underwear at home, except when she sleeps. Now that she’s able to control her bladder more, she also wears underwear for short outings. We skipped pull-ups all together, because I find they are a confusing mix of diapers and underwear. The big benefit of underwear over diapers/pull-ups is that toddlers can feel that they are wet, and typically, they don’t want to be. Our favorite underwear are these ones made by Kickee Pants. They are pricey but hold up well, even being washed over and over again! We also have a set of these thicker undies, but they don’t fit as well and are possibly too absorbent. At home, she often wears these without pants because it makes it easier for her to help take them off and sit independently/quickly.

While we started off by inviting D to use the potty, we’ve now moved on to posing it as a statement. “It’s time to sit on the potty now”. This works best once it becomes a routine. She knows that after mealtimes, before bed, and before outings, she sits on the potty. She doesn’t typically resist those times. However, if I ask her to sit on the potty before eating, or right after nap, she resists, because it’s not part of her routine (yet). She doesn’t have to sit for long, but she knows she has to try. Other times, she’ll tell me she has to go, or walk to the bathroom herself. I can’t count on that consistently yet though!

Our best friend in all this is books. D gets to pick her book of choice before walking to the bathroom. We also keep a few books for her to choose from in a basket there. It’s a good excuse for me to stop what I’m doing and simply read with her. She always points out when she’s made a pee or poo on the potty and then we dump it into the toilet. She gets to pick out a pair of underwear (I keep 2 or 3 choices out at a time), and I help her get them back on. Then we wash our hands together. She is getting more independent in this process each week.

When she does have an accident, we go to the bathroom, take off her wet underwear, and if just a little wet, she puts them in a small laundry bin. Then she sits and we start the process of sitting/re-dressing. I don’t make a big deal of it if she is wet, and I definitely don’t make her feel bad about it. I say “It looks like you are wet. Let’s go to the bathroom and get dry.” She usually points out that she’s peeing or she’s wet before I say anything, and wants to get dry underwear on.

Next up is tackling our longer adventures away from home. Though she currently still wears diapers for those outings, I am finding recently that she can stay dry longer. To transition away from diapers, I’m planning to buy a few of these underwear covers, so that she can still feel wet, while not soaking through her clothes. I also plan to keep a potty in the back of our car. Updates to come, hopefully before this next baby arrives, and we will most definitely hit another regression! ;)

* Update (April, 21 months): No longer in diapers for outings! Only for sleep. She does well with this travel potty and always keeping an extra pair of underwear in the bag and car. We definitely have more accidents out and about than at home (routine thrown off), but getting there!

Note: This post contains affiliate links. If you purchase a product through one of these links, you won’t pay anything extra, but I will get a small commission, which helps keep this blog going. Thanks for supporting Montessori in Real Life!

Our Toddler's Daily Routine, Montessori Style

I often get asked about our daily routine, or rhythm. As a new parent, when D was nursing around the clock, I found it difficult to fall into a routine. But now, with an 18-month-old, I find we are all happier when we have consistency throughout our day, and know what’s (generally) coming next. Though we never stick to the exact same schedule each day, we definitely follow similar patterns.

Here is a sneak peek into our typical weekday:

7:00 - 7:30am - This is around when D wakes up. I typically get up earlier and try to sneak in a shower and make some coffee before the day begins. Upon waking, she grabs a book from beside her bed and “reads” on her own until I greet her. We read a book together in her bed, change out of her diaper, brush teeth, and head downstairs.

7:30 - 9:30am - D is always hungry right away, so we either eat what I’ve already prepped or she helps me make something simple, like cereal or oatmeal. We eat breakfast together at the kitchen table. She loves to drink her milk out of a cup with handles that looks like my coffee. “Cheers!” ;)

After breakfast, I have her use the potty, and I do dishes/tidy/get our bag packed while she plays for a bit. By the time we are ready to go, she usually already needs a snack/breakfast #2! Assuming we have time, she sets her place at her small table and eats it there.

9:30 - 11:30am - Almost every morning we leave the house for some kind of outing, usually lasting an hour or two. A few mornings a week she has a class. Right now she’s part of a Montessori parent-child class, dance class, and swim class (with dad) once a week. The other mornings we typically go on a walk, to the park/library/grocery store, or have a playdate. Some days we venture out to the kids museum or aquarium!

With her friend Marley (Montessori in Motion)

When we get back home (or before, depending on activity), she has at least an hour of free time to play/work. I let her take the lead here, choosing her own activities. We do a mix of playing together (she often wants to read books) and playing on her own, but I encourage independent play, even if that means she’s packing and  unpacking tupperware. :) Sometimes I can get some of my own work done during this time.

Note: When she is awake, she wears underwear. Though she still has some accidents, they are becoming less common.. We are also working on her putting on and taking off her own shoes before and after outings!

11:30am - 12:00pm - This is typically when we eat lunch together. . I’ve noticed she doesn’t eat as much at lunch as other meals, so I find it easier to give her small healthy meals throughout the day. She’s usually just ready for nap by this time.

12:00 - 3:00pm - Before nap time, she sits on the potty, and then we go to her room and read a book and sing a couple of songs together. I put her down with a couple of books and she happily puts herself to sleep. She usually sleeps about 2 to 2.5 hours, but every day is a little different!

I get most of my work done when she naps. That’s when I blog, respond to emails, switch out materials on her shelf, and craft. It’s also when I can do a little meal prep and cleaning. I’ll admit now that I’m pregnant I occasionally nap too. ;)

3:00 - 5:00pm - Once she wakes up, it’s snack time (often her making avocado toast) and then it’s another hour or more of free time for D. She’s especially focused on her work if I’ve switched out a few things on her shelves during nap. Often this is when she wants to do some sensory or art play too. If the weather is decent, she likes to lead a little walk around the neighborhood, stopping at every puddle along the way. I’m also starting to find ways for her to help me prep dinner.

5:30 - 6:00pm - This is typically D’s dinnertime. I sit with her at the kitchen table and eat something small too. If my husband is home in time, he joins us. D is quite a slow eater, so we usually sit together for a good amount of time. It’s such a good opportunity to spend quality family time together, without distractions.

6:30 - 7:00pm - We start our bedtime routine around 6:30 or 7:00, depending on her nap. This usually starts with potty and then a bath. Then we brush her teeth, change into PJs, read a few books, sing a song, and kiss goodnight. She is usually pretty wiped and asleep by 7:30pm.

7:00 - 10:00pm -  My husband and I usually eat our real dinner together after D goes to sleep. As she gets older and stays up a little later we’ll probably change this and all eat together. But for now, it’s nice to eat one meal in peace and catch up on our day sans toddler. Then it’s time to relax, often with an episode of the Great British Baking Show before bed. ;)

Some days are quite different, but that is our typical weekday routine. What does your routine look like?

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Tricky Toddler Behaviors

I put some feelers out on Instagram to get an idea of what you all would like to read about, and many of you mentioned tricky toddler issues. I feel ya! We are definitely dealing with toddler ‘tude these days, and I know there’s only more to come. I wish I had all the answers myself, but I think everyone struggles with this one. I know it’s much more difficult for me to deal with D’s tantrums than it was with other people’s toddlers as a teacher! But I do appreciate having the Montessori background to reference during these times.

When D was just entering toddlerhood, I wrote this post, so you may find some helpful tips there, as well as our general positive discipline approach. Six months later, some issues have resolved and mostly they have just changed. So I’ll address a few of the tricky behaviors we are seeing at home, and how we are approaching them. In addition to my Montessori education, my husband and I try to follow ideas from the book Positive Discipline: The First Three Years, as well as Janet Lansbury’s work, especially No Bad Kids.

Clinginess and Separation Anxiety

D has always been a mama’s girl and loves physical contact, but starting around 15 months, she developed major separation anxiety and clinginess, even sometimes at home. While I know this is developmentally normal (it typically peaks between 14-20 months), and I’ll miss these snuggly days when she’s older, it can still be difficult to deal with. I know I need my own space sometimes for me to stay sane as a stay-at-home mom, and I’m sure many of you do too! I also think it’s important for her to have confidence in her own abilities, without always holding my hand.

At home, I find the best way to encourage her independence is to set up her environment in a way that promotes autonomy. For example, her toys organized and accessible, her dishes in her small kitchen, and water for her to pour and drink independently. That way, she learns she can take care of (some) of her needs without my help. Even so, sometimes she wants to cling to me at home. When she does this, and I’m available, I give her the one-on-one time she craves. We spend 15 minutes or so reading and snuggling or prepping food together. Then I transition to separate time.

Often after that, she’s more open to playing by herself for a bit (sometimes that means stacking tupperware from the kitchen drawer rather than using toys from her shelf which is fine by me!). I make it clear that I have to work/tidy/sweep for a few minutes and that I’m not available to play right now. She isn’t always happy about this at first, but usually once I start the task I’m doing, and she can still see me, she finds something to occupy herself. (Note: sitting on the couch on my phone does not count!) I don’t stop her from standing close to me and observing, or standing at the kitchen helper when I’m cooking, but I do set limits on picking her up or her being on me during these moments, because sometimes I just can’t! I think it’s important for her to learn this boundary, and that sometimes we have to wait a little bit for what we really want.

As for separation anxiety when we are out or when I am leaving, this is just a part of who she is right now. I know D is usually going to have a hard time going somewhere new and/or watching me leave, and that’s okay. I accept her feelings and let her know I see them. I try to make her more comfortable with new people and situations by talking her through it and staying together as she eases in. But when it’s time for me to leave or step away, I confidently and concisely tell her so, and that I’ll be back soon and that I love her. Although it may seem better to sneak away when they are distracted, I know from working with toddlers in a classroom that it only confuses and upsets them more more. So I always say goodbye and kiss her and she often cries out, but stops once I’m out the door. Most importantly she sees over and over that I always come back. That is what really matters! This phase won’t last forever.

Throwing at Mealtimes

This is an issue that seems to come and go throughout the infant and toddler years. Over the past month, D has gotten in a habit of throwing her glass (or similar) off the table. It started on vacation, when her routine and environment were all mixed up, and unfortunately it’s continued since we’ve been home. My knee-jerk reaction is often to react with emotion, but it helps me to remember that it’s that exact reaction she’s hoping for, and isn’t helpful right now.

The best way I’ve found to stop the throwing is to catch it before it happens. Sitting down with her at meals helps me to pay attention to signs that she’s all done, not hungry, and possibly ready to throw. Sometimes just giving her that focused attention can prevent attention-seeking behavior, sometimes not. When I see signs she’s done eating I ask her if she’s all done and often she signs it back to me. If she says or signs “more”, I give it a little more time but keep an eye on it because sometimes she still throws. If I can, I stop the throw with my hand and say “I can’t let you throw your glass” before it happens, but I’m not always fast enough.

If she does throw her glass, I tell her “It looks like you’re all done. You can tell me “all done”. We don’t throw glasses. Let’s clean it up”. I take her out of her chair and have her help me wipe up the water or pick up the glass. I try to keep my reaction neutral rather than scolding. I want her to simply understand that there are natural consequences to throwing, e.g. mealtime is over and she will need to clean it up, I tell her we can try again later. Sometimes she gets pretty upset when I remove her from the chair, but this passes fairly quickly too. I let her snuggle if she needs comfort and we usually are able to move on without too much drama. The more consistent we are, the better. Toddlers thrive on us being firm, consistent, and loving. Not that it’s always easy!

Note: throwing is a normal toddler behavior, and throwing can be useful for getting out pent up energy. It can help to redirect throwing to things like balls in a basket at home!

Big Emotions & Tantrums

We all know that toddlers have big emotions and strong opinions. I like the quote from Positive Discipline (linked above): “The very same qualities we want for our children as adults can make life challenging when they’re young.” So true! The irony is depicted well in the cartoon below. We don’t need to take the passion out of the toddler, we just have to help them learn how to work through it in an appropriate way. I myself feel big emotions sometimes, and I want D to be able to feel all her feels too, from the high highs to low lows.

The low lows can be really hard though. I know D often melts down when she’s overtired, hungry, or hasn’t had a chance to exert her independence in a while. There is almost no way I will budge her nap or bedtime because of this. Yet even in seemingly perfect circumstances, even when choices have been offered and tummies have been fed, tantrums happen. Often when she doesn’t get something she wants. When they happen at our house, I first give D a chance to feel the feels. (If this is out of the house, I would probably remove her from public situation first). I stay close by and help her identify her emotions, e.g. “I see you are frustrated/sad/angry because….” Sometimes we don’t know why they are upset and we don’t have to make up a reason for them. I don’t say much while she’s upset, but I offer her a hug when she’s ready for it.

Once she’s calmed down, we might read a book or play together for a bit. Importantly, I don’t give in to whatever it was she wanted when the tantrum began. Limits are important for toddlers. When she’s a bit older, I’ll discuss more with her, but at this age, too many words can be confusing, especially after the event has passed. I do try to teach her strategies to deal with feeling upset. One of my favorite board books for toddlers is called Calm Down Time, so we read that together sometimes. Yoga is another great way to provide calm-down strategies for toddlers! It has also helped to give her words/signs to use when she needs something such as “help”, “eat”, “up”, and “please”.

Those are some of our tricky toddler behaviors and strategies for dealing with them! I am sure some of you have similar issues and others of you have entirely different ones. Feel free to reach out! I’d love to do a part II. ;)

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What is Montessori for Babies and Toddlers?

When people ask me to briefly describe Montessori and why it’s different, I usually stumble over my words. My husband says I need an “elevator pitch”, and I’ve yet to make one. If anyone has a great one, let me know! What I can do is try to describe Montessori in bullet points. I’ve been getting a lot of questions about the Montessori philosophy in general, and suggestions for further reading on the topic. I hope that by describing a few of the key elements of Montessori and including some resources below, I can provide parents new to Montessori a little more insight. And please let me know what else you’d like to know in the comments section! I also always like to add that while I am obviously a big proponent of Montessori, do what works for your family, and remember that there is no perfect way, or perfect parent!

6 Key Elements of Montessori Philosophy for infants and toddlers:

Respect for the child: This is the most important element of Montessori, and parenting in general. Respect for infants and toddlers comes in many forms in a Montessori environment. It includes a beautiful and inviting space for our child to play in. It also includes making children feel like important and contributing members of our family or community. Respecting the child means speaking and interacting with our child in a gentle and loving way, and in words they can relate to. Lastly, this includes respecting each child’s individual development and pace/style of learning, whether at home or at school.

Observation: Taking the time to observe each child allows us to assess their individual needs and interests - social, emotional, and developmental. These observations give us the information we need to prepare a proper environment for each child's development, and to rotate materials and activities as they grow and their interests change. We might notice that our baby is constantly making animal sounds, especially the dog and cat. To take advantage and expand this interest, we can find materials such as wooden puzzles, books, and animal figurines of pets for our baby to explore. Observation can especially come in handy when our child is “acting out”. For example, if our toddler is throwing all their toys off their shelf, that tells us that 1. we might want to simplify their shelf or reduce the number of materials and 2. give them other opportunities to throw, such as balls into a laundry basket.

Preparation of environment: Maria Montessori said, “the greatest sign of success for a teacher... is to be able to say, 'The children are now working as if I did not exist”. Instead of the teacher or parent at the center, Montessori describes a triangular interaction among the adult, child, and environment. The adult is the connection between the child and their environment, inviting them in. This is in part why teachers are called guides in Montessori. With a prepared environment and carefully chosen materials, the child can explore their environment (at home or school) and use their materials with minimal assistance. This kind of environment promotes curiosity, concentration, and independence early on. 

Order: In a world that is so big and often overwhelming, infants and toddlers are usually happiest when they have order and structure to their day. This includes organization of their environment and routines. In Montessori classrooms and homes, all of the children’s materials have a specific place in their environment, and there is a consistent daily schedule. The idea is that infants and children come to know what to expect and feel more secure with that knowledge. With that security, the child has the confidence to seek out independent play and take on new challenges. Of course we can’t always keep our environment perfectly organized or our days structured (nor should we), but the more we can do, the more calm and confident our child will feel.

Independence and Choice: Whenever possible, children are given a chance to do things for themselves before the adult steps in. A common quote in Montessori communities is “help me to do it by myself”. We, as adults, are there to model and guide, but not to take over our child’s work. Giving infants and toddlers time and opportunities to exert their independence promotes their self-confidence and self-reliance. You can see the delight and pride on a toddler’s face when they put their own shoes on for the first time. One simple way to give your child more independence is to give them choices rather than directions. For example, “Would you like to get in your pajamas or brush your teeth first?” rather than “It’s time to get ready for bed”.

Intrinsic Motivation: In a Montessori environment, adults try to acknowledge accomplishments rather than praise or offer rewards for doing something “good”. For example, an adult might say “You stacked those blocks really high!” or “I see you worked really hard at putting on your coat” rather than “Good job!” or “I’m so proud of you!” The idea is for children to learn how to take pride in their own accomplishments, rather than only put in effort for adult praise or external rewards. Acknowledging the effort they put into something rather than the end result also encourages children to seek out challenges more often, and to do activities because it feels good rather than because they want praise.

Further Reading:

Montessori from the Start

The Absorbent Mind

How to Raise an Amazing Child the Montessori Way

The Montessori Toddler (pre-order for March)

The Whole-Brain Child

Elevating Childcare: A Guide to Respectful Parenting

Positive Discipline: The First 3 Years

Here is a lovely peek into a Montessori classroom:

Note: This post contains affiliate links. If you purchase a product through one of these links, you won’t pay anything extra, but I will get a small commission, which helps keep this blog going. Thanks for supporting Montessori in Real Life!