Easing the Transition to Big Sister

I’ve talked a bit already about our transition from one to two, and overall it’s been a fairly easy adjustment (we are lucky, I know!). That being said, it hasn’t been completely smooth sailing, and it’s a constantly evolving relationship between D and S. We have had plenty of tough moments, big feelings, and even moments of D acting out towards the baby. As with all things parenting, it has gotten easier in some ways and harder in others. Easier in that D has fully embraced being a big sister and nothing feels “new” anymore. Harder in that S is becoming a bit more mobile, and D more assertive and possessive over what is hers.

Through these ups and downs, these are a few ways we’ve perhaps made the transition to becoming a big sister a bit easier for our toddler:

The Helper Role - This one came easily to D, who like most toddlers, likes to feel that she is a contributing member of our family. Giving D the opportunity to help prepare his environment, change him, offer him a bottle, or comfort him, have been really valuable for her. She shows such pride when she makes him laugh, or when she successfully buckles him into his car seat. Lately she especially likes to “read” to him or show him her work. He is more than happy to be her pupil! ;) This has also been a great tool for me, to keep everyone happy and busy.

Consistency in Routines - Routines are huge for toddlers; they thrive on “sameness”. and predictability. D is especially sensitive to consistency. Obviously a baby is a huge disruption to routine, but the newness wears off quickly. We have kept a lot of D’s daily rhythm the same. She still gets to serve herself snack, she still gets her favorite 3 songs before bed, she still does bathtime with Daddy. Of course, we’ve also added some new routines, such as reading books with her brother before bed, helping put away and pick out S’ outfits, and getting to drink special “tea” (often warm milk with cinnamon) while I nurse S in the afternoon. These routines give her a sense of control and calm.

One-on-One Time - Since having S, we’ve made sure to carve out special one-on-one time for D with each of us. She and I often get a little alone time each afternoon when her brother is napping, which is a fun time to bake or cook dinner together. On the weekends, D and my husband will go to the pool or to the park just the two of them. We trade off doing bedtime, so she gets that special time with each of us too. Last weekend I took her out for a play without the boys and it was really sweet for both of us to have that special outing together. Though family time altogether is valuable, I think we especially appreciate each other when we have that one-on-one time too.

Fair Treatment - This doesn’t mean treating the two of them completely equal. That’s impossible, as they are different children with different needs. Rather, I try to make sure we treat them fairly. For example, I ask S to wait when I’m focused on something with D, just as much as I ask D to wait when I’m nursing S. I don’t want D to always feel like S comes first, or that his needs trump hers. As he gets older, I also have to ask him to let go of her belongings and work just as I ask her to give toys back to him. Neither of them have to “share” but they need to learn to respect each other’s work and take turns when appropriate. Though fairness isn’t always possible, it’s been useful to start this practice, so everyone feels respected.

Difficult Moments

Although it’s rare, there are moments when D is frustrated or overtired and she gets physical towards her brother. If she does, I immediately stop the behavior. I say something like “I can’t let you hit your brother. It’s my job to keep both of you safe.” I then check on her brother first, and point out how he’s feeling (“S looks sad. I’m going to see if he’s okay.”) I talk through this out loud even if he’s clearly fine to model checking on him when he is hurt.

Once I’ve checked on him and made sure he’s okay, I direct my attention to D. I acknowledge her feelings (e.g. “I can see you felt frustrated when your brother grabbed your toy. You wanted it back. I can’t let you hurt his body though. If you feel frustrated, you can use your words or come to me for help.” I try to give her different ways to express her frustration while being clear that hitting or getting physical towards her brother is never okay. I then offer her comfort if she wants it. Lastly, I ask if she wants to check on Baby S too, and she usually does. She usually offers him a hug, and all is right in the world again. And I remind myself what a difference a good sleep can be for her, and for everyone.