"Me First!": From Sibling Competition to Collaboration

A few phrases I hear on the regular include: “Get me out first!”, “No, I’m sitting next to mommy!”, “Read MY book first!”

On the surface, it seems so silly for the kids to be arguing over who is going to get unbuckled from their car seat first or who gets to sit on my left side on the couch. It can be challenging to be patient in these moments. But when I dig deeper (which I tend to do when lying in bed at night), I can usually get to the root of all of these seemingly petty arguments. Once I understand the cause, I can better handle both the situation and my own response.

The common thread among these “me first” arguments is a yearning for my attention. It is HARD to share a person that you love. It’s understandable that they both want to feel that they are the most important and each very loved by me. This is more true than ever as we get ready to welcome a new baby. While I know with certainty that I could not love one child more than the other, that is a trickier concept for young children to understand. Attention = love in their minds, and they are keenly aware of the balance or imbalance of that attention each moment of each day.

While there are still plenty of “me first” arguments, I’ve found a few strategies that seem to help. Some of the strategies I’m sharing are preventative and can be implemented anytime. Other strategies are ones I use in the moment, when the arguing and competition is high.

1:1 Time

The best way to fill each child’s cup and make them feel uniquely loved is through 1:1 time with either me or my husband. While this can be a special outing together (such as going to the children’s theater as pictured below!), I find just as much benefit from small moments each day. This might be preparing a meal or playing a board game together while the other sibling is busy playing or reading a favorite story while the other is napping or already in bed. These short but sweet one-on-one times each day boost their confidence in our relationship, and let them know they are special to us.

The goal isn’t “equal”

One of the best ways to nurture the sibling friendship and reduce the rivalry is to not try to make everything fair or equal for them. Siblings are related but they are each very unique. Just as they prefer different breakfasts, they have different needs from me. While S craves lots of physical contact, D wants time to play board games and work alongside one another. I don’t have to give them the same thing to make each feel better. I simply have to meet each one where they are at.

Predictable Routines

The more we stick to a (semi) predictable routine, the more the kids thrive, especially together. The biggest meltdowns and sibling arguments happen when they are surprised and unsure of what’s coming. A good example of this is when I “surprise” them with a special treat. I get excited to share it with them and then before I know it, it’s all about who got the bigger piece and not at all about the joy of a treat. This is in contrast to our weekly predictable trip to the bakery or their favorite park, where they know what they will get and the same arguments don’t occur. Of course life is full of surprises, as it should be, but it’s helpful to keep in mind that surprises can lead to bigger feelings and fights, and to be emotionally prepared for it!

Let the Kids Solve it

Now that the kids are both preschool age (almost 3 and 5), I find I can help them move from competition to collaboration by letting them come up with solutions. For example, if they are arguing about who gets to feed the dog, I will say something like “You both really want to feed Kula, and she’s lucky to have two family members who want to help take care of her! How do you think you can both take care of Kula and still make sure she gets her dinner tonight?” In the past, the kids (often D) have suggested that one gets the food and one gets the water for Kula. They also decided to take turns feeding Kula at dinnertime and they keep track of whose turn it is each evening far better than I do. While I’ll admit letting them come to a solution on their own does not always work, it is such great practice for them to brainstorm and come up with solutions together.

Work as a Team

If we notice they are starting to argue often, we try to put the kids on the same team instead. This means coming up with activities where they are working towards a common goal. Rather than ask them to race each other to get ready, I might ask if they can work together to clean up all the little pieces before the song ends or if they can get in their car seats before I pack up the trunk. I often include myself in the team and help them out, modeling that we all work as a team. I even say “let’s work as a team to _____” which helps them think about our family or each other as a team. My husband is especially good at inventing big movement games where they try to beat a clock or even him instead of each other. I also really like cooperative board games for this reason - they are trying to win together.

Moving from competition to collaboration is as constant and challenging a practice for us adults as it is for kids. The less value we put on being first, the less the kids focus on being first. Simply being aware of this, combined with a sense of compassion and understanding for how difficult sharing a loved one is, can make the biggest difference of all.

Becoming a Big Sister

The big day is fast approaching…8 more weeks until the due date! D was very punctual, arriving right on her due date, so we’ll see about this little guy. This pregnancy has had its own set of challenges, but it is going by so much more quickly than the first! Toddlers keep you busy! Though we’ve been mentally preparing for months, we are just now starting to prepare our home (and all those new-baby logistics) a bit more.

A big difference in our preparation for this baby is that we have another family member to consider. D has had the privilege of being the first and only for almost two years, and this is going to be a huge adjustment for her. Though I am confident she will love our new baby, I expect there to be lots of bumps along the way. While we can’t predict exactly how she will respond to such a big change, we can help prepare her for what’s to come, and help get her more comfortable with the idea of a tiny baby brother around.

Here are a few of the ways we are helping D prepare for her upcoming role as big sister:

Caring for Baby - Though I introduced baby dolls around 15 months, she really only became interested in her dolls around 18 months. This was when she began to insist on sleeping with one (now two), pretending to feed them, and changing their clothes. It was at this point we set up a little baby care basket, which you can read about in this blog post (along with a couple of other baby activities). More recently, D’s favorite thing to do is wear or push her baby doll around the house. She is especially in love with this Boba doll carrier, which allows her to multitask (just like mama will be doing very soon!) Giving her these opportunities is fun for her, and good practice too. I can definitely see us both wearing our babies around the park in a few months!

Baby Washing - Her other favorite baby care activity is baby washing. We just started this activity (21 months), as it requires quite a few steps. After I set up the supplies, we start by filling this water ladle. For now, I fill it partway at the sink, and she carries it and pours the water into the water basin. We usually do two or three rounds of this. Then she dampens one of the baby cloths, pours the liquid baby soap on the cloth (or in the water usually), and washes the baby doll’s face and body. She likes to name all the body parts as she goes. Then I hand her the other small cloth to wipe baby’s face dry. We then lay out a small towel and she puts baby on it. I help her wrap up baby and she likes to snuggle her baby doll in the towel.

Baby Photos - D’s favorite book in our house is her baby book. While I’m happy for her to look through this with me, it is not a book I want to leave her to play with. So I printed a few pictures of her in her first few months, and laminated them for her to look through. Seeing these photos of herself will hopefully help prepare her for what her little brother will look like when he is born! (Though red hair twice would be crazy!) It also helps to get the conversation going about newborns in general: what they are like and what they need.

Books - There are many books out there on this very topic, but here is our small selection. I didn’t want to purchase too many, as that gets repetitive, and I didn’t want to overwhelm D with the idea. You Were the First is hardcover, but a wonderful book to read together at bedtime. It is such a sweet story of experiencing all the firsts with your firstborn, and I think it will be extra sweet to read once D is a little older too. Two of these books (Waiting for Baby and My New Baby) are part of a new baby series. I like the questions the toddler asks about the baby or baby-to-be along the way. It’s great for starting conversation about pregnancy and the new baby. Lastly, I’m a Big Sister is a classic short story about the important and fun role big sisters have with a new baby, which is also helpful for us!

Environment - Since D already has her own room, and a floor bed, we haven’t had to make adjustments to her room for a new baby. Instead, we just make sure her room is a place she enjoys being and sleeping, so that she always has that space for herself (no sharing necessary). Hopefully it will help her feel “big” and special to continue to this room to play in, read in, pick out her clothes and dress (see that post here), and sleep with her favorite “lovies”. Though we only keep a few “toys” in her room at once, we keep lots of books, and her favorite place to read and snuggle is in her play tent. I am looking forward to continuing many bedtime snuggles with her here when our little baby is sleeping.

Though we have yet to set up the baby’s room (it’s currently our guest room and we would like to paint it and make some changes first…), we are working on setting up a small area of our bedroom for baby. That is where the little guy will sleep for the first 5-6 months. I’ve been involving D in filling the baby’s drawers with tiny clothes and hats, and showing her where baby will sleep, where I will nurse him, and where we change his diapers. My hope is that this will help her feel aware of and included in some of the changes about to take place. I’m sure she will enjoy picking out his outfits when the time comes!

One-on-One Time - I have been soaking up these last few months of all the special solo time D and I have. Though I know we will carve out time for just us two, it is bittersweet to know that it will be more than just us most of the day, and I worry how this will affect her the most. Because of this, we’ve been making sure she has special solo time with her Dada each week too. Each Saturday morning they spend a couple of hours just them, and I’ve found that after their little adventures, she’s all about Dada the rest of the day. It’s so important for them to have that time together, and my hope is that their bond will be even stronger when he’s on paternity leave and our newborn is at his neediest. Once the baby is here, solo time with each of us will be extra important!

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